Know What You Deserve

You shouldn’t have to ask for time. You shouldn’t have to ask for attention. You shouldn’t have to ask for love and affection. You shouldn’t ask to be placed on top of a list.

These things should be handed to you, out of someone’s own free will, if they want to. These things are what you deserve, not something you should ask for. You deserve time and laughter and smiles and tears out of joy and never sadness. You deserve flowers once a week, or long drives to home on a busy Friday evening. You deserve breakfast dates or a small note of assurance or company at 2 am when you’re studying late for an exam.

You deserve honesty and disclosure. You deserve someone who will check up on you from time to time. You deserve someone who wants to know if you got home safely. You deserve someone who will ask you to send your uber info just to know what cab you’re on. You deserve someone who will call just to hear your voice, even just for a while. You deserve surprises or simple things like a song dedicated to you or a message greeting good morning to start your day off. You deserve to be someone’s person, someone’s favorite. It’s sad how simple things like these slip away from our hands, when these are the mere things that make us human, that make us feel.

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“Remember When”

There is something quite painful and heartbreaking about that line that I just can’t seem to pinpoint.

I’m trying to put to words the sadness you get when you reminisce how great things once were over a certain period of time. The fact that you glance at it from a distance means you are no longer living in that reality.

Is it failure to see the beauty of now? Is it simply your way out when things start getting difficult?

Audioslave always makes me feel a certain way. idek what to write

Distance 1 and Distance 2

There are 2 kinds of distances to watch out for. Also, one of them ends in heartbreak.

You are miles away from one another. Every time you happen to be in the same area, fate distorts reality and the chances for seeing each other drop to a 0. You see one another from a distance, but you can’t move an inch closer. Cards and gifts are delivered through friends or a courier service. Hugs are virtual. Days are filled with so many other things. Conversations depend on a wi-fi connection. You are surrounded by different environments; a different group of people, buildings, events, experiences. Distance 1.

It takes a toll. The different environments you once thought would help make you both live in a bigger world ended up causing a gap between you two. Conversations don’t have a basis, your worlds are too far apart to ever collide. The only time you talk is to greet each other in the morning, and to wish each other good night. You are forgetting the way he sounds. You do not share your favorite songs anymore. He lacks the motivation to share about his day. You aren’t even in love yet but it’s almost as if you are already falling out of it. Your pillow is wet every night, and there is no person there to soothe you at the end of the day. Distance 2.

#np Audioslave (as usual)

 

things are different, but that’s not a bad thing

I used to compare Ben’s ways of consoling me to Jm’s ways. But then it took me a conversation with Janessa to realize that my expectations were wrong and unfair.

Ben’s ways are different, but that isn’t a bad thing. It just takes getting used to. Just because he doesn’t ask me if I’m okay the second time around, or doesn’t call me before I sleep, it doesn’t mean he cares any less. He’s a less vocal person than Jm, and I have to understand that. I may be used to Jm’s ways, but in time I will grow familiar to Ben’s. I can’t change a person.

People have different ways of professing how they feel. Ben’s may not be ideal or what I’m used to (because of Jm), but these ways are his own. Little by little, I will get used to it and eventually love it.

It’s important to understand what your lover is capable of giving you. Just because it isn’t the way you want it to be, it doesn’t make it mean any less.

where do we go from here?

I feel like I could be treated better. All I did was do what I thought you’d have wanted me to do. Instead, you got mad at me and gave me the cold shoulder almost as if I’d cheated on you. I just want to feel like you want to talk to me again. I don’t want you to stop doing the things you love. I just don’t want to ask for time from you. I don’t want to be in that kind of relationship.

Is it not natural anymore for you to want to talk to me?

Never drive with tears in your eyes. It’s so difficult to see where you are going. Your vision gets blurry and your heart beats too fast and everything will feel like it is crumbling as you walk by.

I feel like you are losing me and you are not doing anything about it. I guess I am that easy for you to let go. I understand that if things don’t work out, the best option is to just let them be.

Sometimes I wish you just had more initiative and more i dont know. Sometimes I just wish things would have ended different with us. I wish that in the times before I sleep, the reason why you aren’t messaging me something pahabol is because you’re just battling yourself. But I know deep inside, the thought to message me does not even enter your mind. I keep making excuses for you, to myself.

My friends care for me too much.

i feel like i was shortchanged when you advertised yourself to me. youre this completely different person when in a relationship already and i feel like i really could be treated better.

Jm I’m so sorry if i put you through this same thing and didn’t fight for you. Im sorry i just let it up to chance and decided we weren’t meant. I understand how you feel now, how badly you want things to work out. Was i wrong for letting go of someone who would’ve loved me and fought for me with all his heart? Someone who would own up to his mistakes and better himself once he knew he could treat me better?

Im going to go home today and I will rethink what I really want.

i hate that i miss you

I hate that I think of you every minute. That I always check for a text on my phone and purposely stop myself from replying the minute I get it. I hate that I always want to hear your voice, feel your touch, see your smile. I hate that I always want to talk to you and hear about your day, your thoughts, your uno on that paper. I hate that I always want to know how you are feeling. I know you’re busy, I know you’re doing your own thing. This is why I hate missing you so much. It makes keeping myself from bothering you such a hard thing to do.

I hate that I try to keep myself so that I’m fixated on something else, something that isn’t you. I hate how obsessive I’m starting to sound. I hate how I’ve never felt this way for anyone. I hate that I can’t get away with this. I hate that I can’t push down my feelings deep enough.

I hate how I think of you on the drive home, urging me to grab my phone and just call you. I hate how I am so selfish, thinking you will have time for me at the end of the day. I hate that I feel the constant need for assurance, attention, and love. I hate how I can’t resist mentioning you to my friends on a daily basis, how I can’t keep myself from finding ways to relate the random things I see back to you. I hate how much I allowed myself to embed you into my system, so much that I can’t go a fucking hour without wondering how you’re doing.

But most importantly, I hate how I know you are not feeling the same way.

Ben Santos

Ben Santos, the guy I met at a soiree I didn’t think would matter so much to me up until this day. Words will never be enough to express my thankfulness in having known Rick and Morty and my interest in hiphop. I never would have known things like these would have brought us closer to one another.

Ben was an introvert, the type that is extremely exclusive towards others and is picky with people. And somehow, I’ve found my way to break down his walls and get him to open up to me. He still is an introvert.

Ben used to like hiphop. Back when he did, he had short hair, so short it just slightly touched the tip of his ears. He was so immersed in black culture and everything about it. He wrote his own verses and sent over recordings of his beats I so happily replayed over and over again. A few months have passed and his hair grew longer, his music taste has changed. His hair falls on the back of his neck, long enough for me to grab onto when we make out heatedly. He was into acoustic and indie music. It’s kind of hard to describe, but the kind of songs with unique guitar riffs and a change of chords that rang a certain way to the ears. He learned how to play the guitar over a few days, and I used to watch over video calls. I was so happy being his audience over the phone, just listening to him getting frustrated over messing up the chords, and rejoicing over getting them right.

Spending time with Ben is my favorite thing to do. Walking alongside him makes you feel like the world is moving in slow motion. That’s cheesy of me to say, but it’s difficult to put it in any other way.  You lose track of time. You lose awareness of your surroundings. You forget that 30 minutes have already passed, it feels as if it just happened in a blink of an eye. But at the same time, the time you spend with one another also feels like eternity. You are able to have your own time and space, together in your own world separated from the rest. It’s a feeling difficult to encapsulate in words, it is something made only to be felt. Forgive me for attempting to limit it to prose.

The way he holds my hands just evokes a different kind of feeling. I used to feel butterflies in my stomach before, my chest dropping to my gut has happened before, my heart skipping a beat has happened before. But not quite in this way. It feels almost as if it was meant to happen. Like everything just fell into place without us knowing. It feels almost like second nature to fall into his arms and get lost in an embrace.

The thing about liking someone is, the feeling is different every time. You can’t completely compare these feelings to one another. However, one thing I can say about each time I’ve ever liked someone is that I have never liked anyone this much. Each of those instances, although different, had something in common. In this situation, however, it is immensely and completely one of a kind.

Most times, I find myself looking at him in complete awe. I usually carry a smile on my face and give off a soft laugh. I wonder why I do that though. Is it my relief in knowing I have found a safe place in this world? Someone I can get completely lost in? Is it my way of professing gratitude to God (if ever there is one) for making someone with the perfect mix of attributes? Or is it just my reaction to that moment in time, a bolt of happiness words will never be able to take down?