It will feel heart-wrenching. You wouldn’t expect it at first, actually, at all— thinking everything is fine. You’re laughing, hanging out everyday, having a good time. When suddenly, a single event happens and you confront each other.
“My yaya has this theory that napipilitan ka lang sa amin. Na you don’t really need us. And I feel that’s true.”
Silence. Minutes go by.
“You didn’t counter what I just said. So I suppose it’s true. Correct me if I’m wrong.”
I have never wished for someone to talk more than I have now.
And there it was again, silence.
I just wish you said something. A yes or a no would be good. But then you made me feel like we didn’t even deserve an explanation. Did we not mean anything to you all these years?
It will feel like everything was a lie; the time you spent together laughing, talking, opening up to each other. It will feel like the letters didn’t count and the birthdays didn’t matter. It will feel like a part of your life being taken away— what’s worse is… it’s been taken away for no reason, or at the very least, a reason not known to you.
It will make you feel like finishing up all your tears until you feel your heart is too dry to even cry. It will make you feel like being close to someone again is such an impossible thing. It will make you feel crushed and betrayed.
A break up with a best friend is worse than a break up with a lover. A best friend hears about the family, the fights, the problems, the stalking-of-popular-people talks. A best friend sees you at your worsts and stays not just because they love you but because they know they cannot go a day without feeling your presence in their life.
It will make you feel like apologizing for all your shortcomings— even though you know in your heart there were none at all. You force yourself to think of aspects in which you may have gone wrong, in instances wherein you may have left them out, in situations that may have been difficult for them but you never really noticed. You tire yourself out trying to fill in the wordless gaps in between your conversation, rather lack of, to give yourself some sort of reconciliation. You try to find excuses as to their behavior so that you could justify the pain you’re feeling— and in a way, look for some sort of comfort. You go to sleep knowing you’ve just lost more than half of your life, your entire childhood, your secrets and your history.
Words have never meant so much up until this day. You have never wished for someone to talk more than you have now. Things won’t make sense anymore, and at a certain point of your lonesome reflection, you try to convince yourself this hasn’t happened. This is imagination. This is a dream. But it’s reality, a hard one.
“People come and people go.” A line proven to me so many times, through so many different experiences. I have lost many people along the way, but as the years went by, I’ve gained many people as well. As much as this quote is true, I wish deep in my heart that it no longer was. I never thought Car would be one of the people who would go. I feel so uninvited by my own best friend. But then again, I guess I was never hers. I feel so stupid having not seen the signs way before. How she always invited other people to her place, but never I/Patty. How she always takes so long to reply yet replies so fast to others. How she always tags that other person on Facebook posts (and never does Patty). How she always tells us last minute that she’s seeing her other friends. I know it may seem so petty as I mention all these little things but when you put them all together, it makes up for her lack of words. I have been so blinded by making excuses for her to justify her behavior but all this while I guess it has been her plan to do so. I feel so cheated and betrayed.
I feel like I’ve never known you. I have always counted the fact that you loved me, truly loved me, which was why I set all these painful things behind us, thinking it was never your intention but just something we didn’t pay much attention to. All these years of knowing what’s on your mind, or at least seeming like it, your silence has never spoken any louder.
I try as much as I can to write about this painful experience (especially since it’s fresh) so that I can look back on it when I get older. On the pain list, this comes second to my parents’ divorce.