Chamber of Reflection. Mac Demarco. 12:47 AM. Thursday night.
So yeah. I ended things with Jm. I’ve known the guy for a year and a half, and liked him for a more than a year already. But I still don’t love him. Isn’t that supposed to say something about it?
Of course I feel selfish. But it doesn’t mean I didn’t give us a try. I had a hard time working with the relationship we had. I felt like it was too serious and that he was too fixated on being my boyfriend, seeing me often, having high expectations and all that. It was just too difficult to work with. I asked for my time, he couldn’t even give it to me. I understand he was just trying to work with what he had, fight for me and all, but I really felt disrespected when he went beyond that line of personal space.
I don’t want to discuss this anymore, since future Tin would understand that I had to do what I did. Maybe in the future, it would have been the wrong decision, but right now, in this moment, it is the right one.
I feel like college has so much in store for me and that no one should stop me from reaching my full potential of growing. I want to enter college single, without having to worry about someone in the background shoving down resentment for the decisions I’ll be making. I don’t want to worry about cutting my friendships with other people for the sake of someone else to be comfortable. The only people who should have influence on my decision are my family, best friends, and I.
To be honest, I felt like Jm was becoming a hindrance to my growth. I felt the control, even though he was trying his best not to. I guess my tolerance for control is simply… low. Can’t it just be that we don’t see eye to eye anymore? Why does it have to be that it’s me who isn’t trying? I never wanted a relationship in the first place, anyway. And I told him that.
For the First Time. Mac Demarco. 12:59 AM.
Ben Santos is actually really attractive. Well, I’ve known this for quite some time already. I was just ashamed to admit it, I guess. HAHAHA. Yeah, he has a lot of appeal. But I’m just scared of him. I saw how he left Max and that he said he just… ran out of love? I think it’s gonna be risky to be with him. Like I’ll have to keep making myself interesting just so he won’t get tired of me. I get so intimidated talking to him. I feel so stupid. But I know he won’t judge me naman. Still.
I know he can have any girl he wants. Which makes me kinda scared too. Am I really what he wants or is he just lonely? Whatever the answer to that is… I’m still going to wait ’til midway of college. If we decide to get together, I want us both to be sure.
But what I do know is… he is someone I can be proud of. I know this is a shallow statement, but I really can be proud of his looks and his accomplishments. If I get with him, I’d be so lucky to have such an intelligent and good looking guy. He’s really sweet, to be honest. But I guess for now, this is all words until he figures out how to prove it. He’s never had anyone to chase before because it was just easy for him (girls fell into his lap everywhere he went). I don’t want to be easy. Fuck, I wanna be chased.
Well, let’s see where it goes. For now, papaasahin muna kita. I think I’ll eventually like you rin naman eh.
Unless, you know… magustuhan ako ni Timmy Albert. HAHAAHAH kidding.