A Letter about Ben, to Future Tin

Okay, I get it. You’re scared. You don’t want commitment because you think you’ll find someone better. But Tin, why don’t you just try it out?

Ben has always been understanding and mature enough to know that if things don’t work out, there is a reason enough to justify why they didn’t. You’re underestimating his ability to interpret your thoughts and hear you out.

But you know, at this point in time, as of July 27, 2017 8:13pm, he’s the best one out there. You’ll never be sure if there’s anyone better, which is why committing to someone will always be such a gamble. I know you keep reminding yourself that we’re just 18, too young to be sure of someone. This is your mind working against your heart now. What if your heart is just too sure of him already? Will you wait ’til you’re 25 and ready to try things out with him?

If that’s the case, you’ll never be sure of anyone. Tangina, edi magka boyfriend ka nalang pag 29 ka na. You’re going to miss out on so many good people in your entire life just because of that constant fear. But I get it still. You just don’t want to break someone’s heart. I guess, once again, you above everybody.

Do yourself a favor; gamble on Ben. Worth it naman siya, ‘di ba? He’s kind-hearted, caring, hard working, driven, handsome, sensitive and protective. He’s mature and very understanding. He’s a good listener. He’s shy at times, but that’s just the way he is. Isn’t it so cute, though? He’s introverted, but then once you get him to start talking, he’ll just go on and on (in a good way). He cares about you and is willing to take a chance on you.

It’s so cute when he’s so interested in what he’s talking about. It’s like his eyes light up and his smile looks a bit different. When he’s singing in the car, it’s the most precious sight ever. He looks so goofy, it’s almost like he’s doing it on purpose just to make you laugh. Always listen to the songs he sends, watch the videos he links you to. It’s just his little ways of getting you involved in his life, a simple way to view his world & his mind. Don’t ever take that for granted. You see, Ben is a very reserved person. He picks the people he deals with, very very well. Consider it an honor every time he opens up to you about how he feels, especially when it’s about something very sensitive. Ben is very eccentric. You’ll never completely be able to understand how his mind works. But then I think you’re perfectly ok in the background, listening to his little ramblings about the world. At certain times, be patient with him, sometimes he isn’t as sensitive as he wishes to be – but he’s trying. He isn’t good in expressing himself, but who is?

Another thing: Support him. Sometimes Ben just needs that extra push to get started. There are so many big ideas going on in his mind. At times, he might just need a critical viewer to give him comments on his next big thing. Don’t switch on him, he’s got big plans! Always believe in him and listen to what he says. I’m sure that if it matters to him, it matters to you too. Sometimes he feels like his ideas are stupid (well, we all think that about our own, anyways) so give him that extra boost!!!

Don’t you ever think about the first time you guys started talking? I don’t know if it was because you were being friendly, but then it’s almost as if your friendship with him just fell into place. Talking to him felt so natural, I guess. Everything went so smoothly after that. You guys had so much on common, little by little becoming immersed in each other’s worlds.

I feel like getting with him will feel like a second nature kind of choice. It’s almost instinctive to just hug him and kiss him, don’t you think so? So yeah, don’t be afraid. I think it will be nice, happy and easy when things work out with him. That is, if you give him a shot in making you happy.

PS ANG EFFORT NIYA HA!!!! QC TO MERVILLE THEN BACK TO PASIG, HABA NG HAIR MO. HE ATE WITH UR FAMILY PA DO U KNO HOW SCARY DAT IS CONSIDERING DI PA KAYO! TANGINA KUNG DI MO YAN PAPATULAN MALAY KO BA

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boredom got a new best friend

9:36 pm

jeez. how do i even start? i don’t think i need to go through today anymore. i think i just wanna go through everything i’ve felt. this is the first time i’ve felt this blissful with someone so amazing. is God playing me right now?

life is so good with you around. dad just asked me if you like me and i said you’re starting to. then he told me not to turn you down and perhaps give you a chance. this was the first time he’s ever done that.

your lips are so soft and kissing them makes me feel like there’s a heaven on earth. i feel so blissful that it’s so fucking crazy. 

being with you makes me feel so elated. i’m always so excited to see you. it’s always so fun when you drive me around, when we tease each other at the mall, when you nudge and shove me playfully. 

i love your hugs and i love your presence so much. it makes everything so much better, i swear. today was just so full of happiness.

you’re such a goofball. you look so freaking stupid chugging down half a bowl of rice in your mouth. i kept laughing throughout the day because you kept making funny faces. you make me so happy. just being around you makes me feel so happy and light. 

we slow danced in my room. it was your idea. we played with djego and laid on the couch. you bought cheese rolls for my family. we kissed at stoplights (again).

i think i could love you. easily.

set aside

1:52AM Driven Under – Seether

one thing i learned tonight… or at least, needed to be reminded of, was that people have different ways of loving. and it’s not always gonna be the way you want it to be.

i wanted you to be vocal. to want me. to call me yourself. you didn’t. i took it as a lack of initiative. but then again, maybe if you were next to me, you’d give me a hug. since that was your language of love, anyway.

set aside the differences and realize that love is love. i know you don’t love me yet. but i know you care about me. the way you express it may not be the way i expect it to be, but it doesn’t make it invalid.

1:58AM

sorry for being so difficult. i know you can’t read my mind. i feel so irritated when you use your phone while you talk to me. idk it’s just very disrespectful. like… can’t you give me 100% attention lol. I FEEL SO PETTY RN I HATE HAVING FEELINGS HAHAHAHA I KEEP BEATING MYSELF UP FOR IT.

we romanticize love so much that we instantly think that a soulmate has to be someone who understands what you’re trying to say without any communication.

note to self lol.

i love the way

you smile. your cheeks get so puffy and i just wanna kiss them. you get so red.

you look. the way your hair falls into place, the mannerisms you have when you fix it. i love your eyes.

you feel. your hand feels like the right place where mine should be. your hugs are so warm and filled with happiness. your lips feel so soft, so kissable.

you talk. i love your lingo, your accent, just everything about the way you sound and speak.

you think. i could listen to you for hours on end. your thoughts are so interesting. i want to know your world, your mind, and how the two of them work hand in hand.

i adore you, really. it’s so funny how i do. i guess i look goofy but i don’t care. one day you’ll know just how much i adore you.

she’s so high

12.25am philippine time

you’re asleep and we’re on facetime. i could see how tired you are cause you’re partially snoring too (just a little bit, don’t worry, it’s cute).

i look at you and think to myself… i could get used to this. i could actually love you. i find myself to be so picky with people, especially with all i’ve had to go through. but then i feel like i have no fear of commitment as long as its with you. like i don’t mind sacrificing all that “freedom”. maybe because you are the right person, right now.

you told me that i’m so perfect. i have everything you need. you told me that it was the first time ever that you’ve kissed/made out with someone and kept your eyes closed the entire time. you told me that it was the first time that you didn’t feel ‘tigang’ or any lust when you kissed/made out with me. you wanted me in the purest way and felt the sparks. you were so nervous when we kissed. you mentioned that you were even shaking.

like… idk HAHAHAH idk how i can be so happy right now just talking to you. it’s so fucking stupid and gay, really. like, i feel so gay rn.

i just really wanna take care of you, be there for you, listen to you, watch you grow. i think we could be so good for each other. i understand you like no one can, you’re ultimately thoughtful and sweet. i feel like you could be my anchor if i needed one.

i’m just so lost in the moment right now. i’m so into you lol. i think i like you already but i’m just not sure yet. well, let’s just see where this goes.

Feels like I’m in 8th grade

Today – The Smashing Pumpkins (#nowplaying)

Okay omg so my dad finally allowed me to go out with a guy today. Just us two! He even allowed him to drive me home. Only God knows how surprised and happy I was when this happened.

So it all started when I had my immunizations in the morning with dad, after which, I had Shakeys (Magallanes) with him, Tito Freddy and Tito Neil. Dad dropped me off at SM when you were on the way to Greenbelt from UP.

I was so nervous. I was thinking of what to do while we were together, how to make up for the awkward silences, how to kiss you and how it would feel like when we’d first see each other.

You texted me saying you arrived already. I was incredibly nervous. Do I hug him when I see him? What do I say? If we eat, what do we talk about? It’s so different when you hang out with someone in person.

I then insisted that we eat out since I was sure you were hungry from your trip to UP. So we walked around GB5, GB3 and you couldn’t find any place you wanted to eat in. I was kind of full already but then you insisted I ate with you. You then brought me to this restaurant on the side of GB I don’t really go to. It was a restaurant called Sugi where you had your birthday celebration at.

It seemed pretty pricey, I mean, considering the location, yeah. It was next to restaurants where old people have their 5th date or something HAHAHA even Pau said “Omg he brought you to a 3rd date restaurant”. I was so surprised when you pulled out the chair for me. I didn’t think you’d have manners like that (well tbh I didn’t think guys still did that eh, unless its like Prom or smth). I felt really kilig hahaha I was like aww he’s so cute. So okay, we started ordering and then you told me I could get whatever I wanted and that you’d pay for this entire thing. I really felt bad for making you pay, which was why I hesitated for a bit. It felt so good to know someone doesn’t mind spending on you. You didn’t want me to pay for anything.

While we were talking, I was just watching you. We were both so nervous. I saw your hands trembling a bit as you used the chopsticks… and then it was my turn, I unconsciously was doing the same thing!? I felt like an 8th grader putting  my a-game on for my crush. It was so stupid. I felt butterflies. I was so excited to just be there with you. It felt so good, you know? There was a rush of emotions.

So I toured you around Landmark, Glo and SM (since you haven’t been to these places yet). SM was my favorite part because we went through all the stores and we played this “Would you wear this” game. It was really fun and we started standing real close to one another. I remember my heart would skip a beat every time you tried hugging me (I say ‘tried’ because you were so shy and stopped real quick right after the attempt). It was so cute too how you carried my things for me. You hugged me from behind. Like I could see how much you wanted my physical touch, and I felt the same way.

You walked on the side of the road where the cars came from. You even switched sides when the cars did as well. I noticed that about you. You opened the car door for me, even though we both knew it was quite cheesy. You were such a gentleman. I honestly didn’t think you’d be this way. It’s a good surprise, I could say.

I had so much fun just walking around with you. Talking, laughing, smiling til my cheeks hurt. When we got to your car, it was silent. I gave you all your things and you pointed out mine (it was at the back). It was silent for quite some time. Silent and dark. You looked at me with a smile. What now? I thought. Do I kiss him?

You grabbed my face then kissed me on the cheek. You said that was for today. I kissed you back then you tried to move your face so I’d land the kiss on your lips. I said, “Hey, not yet”. I was still contemplating. I mean, it’s not wrong to kiss someone. I really wanted to kiss you.

I continued to tease you by kissing your cheeks and then leading it closer and closer towards your mouth. “Am I a tease?” “Yeah you are”. I asked if you wanted to kiss me and you told me you did, really bad. I said I wasn’t sure if I wanted to kiss you. “Is it bad?” You asked. Well, no, it isn’t bad. So you held the back of my head, pulled it towards you, tilted your head at just the right angle, and went in for it. The first kiss, you tried to make out with me. I said not yet. Until I kissed you more passionately. Your lips were so soft and it was too good for me to just stop. I wanted more of you, and not even in the lustful way. The way I kissed you was so innocent and pure, almost as if I already had feelings for you.

We made out and it was honestly too good. Our hands were all over each other and it just felt good. I was so comfortable getting lost with you, in you. I just wanted to taste you so bad already. I didn’t mind making out right then and there (and we did).

I felt my heart racing. I was so nervous at that moment. I just wanted to do everything right, to be honest. Face you at the right angle, open my lips at the right moment, taste you and feel you, you know?

You started driving already. We got lost a little because Waze wasn’t cooperating. But then after driving around a bit, we found our way. You reached out for my hand while you were steering your car. It felt so comfortable, like my hand was just felt right being there. I looked at you and could see this exact scenario in the future. I looked at you and felt the rush of emotions I haven’t felt ever since. I have never been this nervous towards someone. I felt so pressured to be at my best and show you how great I was and could be if ever we got together. I looked at you and knew I wanted more of this in the future.

You drove towards EDSA and then it started to rain. Norah Jones’ Come Away With Me started playing on the radio. I’d like to think that song could be our song. God, you look so good. Be mine? It was just perfect. Surreal, even. You looked at me and smiled at me. I didn’t bother to ask “What?” anymore because I knew that I felt the exact same way you did because there were times I’d just look at you and smile.

I felt like everything was too good to be true. This is all I could ever want. It’s like God summed up everything to fall into place. You dropped me off home. It was a quick ride. Maybe a good 20 minutes or so. We kissed at the stoplights. I squished your cheeks. You’re too cute for my life. I’m so deeply attracted to you.

When you dropped me off, my lolo was at the gate so I introduced you to him. I didn’t let you enter the house. I just made you wait at the gate with me. Introduced you to Yaya Agot and Yaya Beth, and they both just smiled. I was calling my brother but he didn’t want to come out so I just made you go ahead. You weren’t allowed to stay out so late anyway.

I have so much fun with you. You make me have butterflies. You make me stutter and lose my train of thought. I think this could be something.

 

happy? – mudvayne

i just wanna escape. i don’t really wanna feel anything rn. like yea im kinda disappointed dad didn’t allow me to go out with ben tomorrow after my immunizations but then it’s kinda my fault because i expected him to. since when would his mind even change, right? im so upset because im freaking 18 already and he still doesnt allow me. i was supposed to be in college a year ago and i couldve had a boyfriend and all that shit that he conditioned to be for college only. what difference will a month make? i know in a month ill be able to hang out with whoever i want to but really… its summer and im not doing anything. are you for real?

Peel me from the skin
Tear me from the rind
Does it make you happy now?

Tear meat from the bone
Tear me from myself
Are you feeling happy now?

man i just wanna live my life HAHA im so tired of getting napapahiya with other people na when i keep turning them down. my fault maybe for thinking this time it wouldve been different.

12:56am

lol here i am in front of my laptop. writing again.

i’ve never felt so happy to just be video chatting with someone. it’s like the last time i’ve done this was back with Bopi. fuck i love your face so much.

i just wanna be sure of you, you know? like if ever, i wanna jump into this thing because i really like you and not because i’m lonely or some shit.

fuck i’m so terrified that if we get together, you might find someone else. i mean it’s happened in your previous relationships. what exemption am i?

and look i have no problem with that happening. i mean, it’s life. suck it up. people find someone better. which is why i just want you to wait it out, you know? i’m so scared you’re going to find someone better so i think the best thing you should do is learn to not commit to me and wait for that better person to arrive. spare me the heartbreak.

it’s gonna be so hard because you’re gonna be in up and i’m going to be in ateneo. like yea i know those schools are not really far apart but it’s different because you’re not in my campus. we don’t live close to each other, either. seriously. you’re gonna get tired of this chase. good thing i don’t have feelings for you yet.

i know you say you’re so attracted to me that you can’t possibly go for someone else while you and i are together… but physical features fade. i won’t always be pretty, i won’t always look this hot. i just don’t know if you like me for my likes, the way i think, my quirks and etc.

stick around for a bit, i wanna see your potential. i wanna give a chance on you, i think.