12:56am

lol here i am in front of my laptop. writing again.

i’ve never felt so happy to just be video chatting with someone. it’s like the last time i’ve done this was back with Bopi. fuck i love your face so much.

i just wanna be sure of you, you know? like if ever, i wanna jump into this thing because i really like you and not because i’m lonely or some shit.

fuck i’m so terrified that if we get together, you might find someone else. i mean it’s happened in your previous relationships. what exemption am i?

and look i have no problem with that happening. i mean, it’s life. suck it up. people find someone better. which is why i just want you to wait it out, you know? i’m so scared you’re going to find someone better so i think the best thing you should do is learn to not commit to me and wait for that better person to arrive. spare me the heartbreak.

it’s gonna be so hard because you’re gonna be in up and i’m going to be in ateneo. like yea i know those schools are not really far apart but it’s different because you’re not in my campus. we don’t live close to each other, either. seriously. you’re gonna get tired of this chase. good thing i don’t have feelings for you yet.

i know you say you’re so attracted to me that you can’t possibly go for someone else while you and i are together… but physical features fade. i won’t always be pretty, i won’t always look this hot. i just don’t know if you like me for my likes, the way i think, my quirks and etc.

stick around for a bit, i wanna see your potential. i wanna give a chance on you, i think.

 

what we could be

you could drive me home in the middle of the week.

i could bake you cookies & pack them for school.

we could study together (in each other’s presence, to be exact).

you could buy me flowers.

i could listen to your late night rants.

we could go out on dates.

you could share your secrets to me.

i could appreciate you.

we could make jokes.

you could understand me on a deeper level.

i could see past through you.

we could support each other.

you could help me grow.

i could push you to chase your dreams.

 

we could be happy. together.

we have a good thing going lately

easily – bruno major 4:55 AM PST time


where do i start?

i’m just staring into this blank screen, trying to come up with what to say.

you make me feel like an 8th grader. the way i smile to your texts, always want to talk to you, crave for your presence in my life. i’ve never felt this scared and intimidated towards someone ’til i met you. i’m so afraid of falling in love with you because you are dangerous. one of the reasons why i’m scared of falling for you is because i don’t know if i can trust you. but another reason is, because i know i will (fall).

is it ed sheeran also on the background making me feel this type of way?

it’s hard to do other things because… i’d rather pick talking to you over it. i’ve never been one to lose track of what i’m doing; i know how to set people to the side when the time calls for it but for some reason, i need my hands on my phone, talking to you. it’s not like i’m obsessed with you or anything, but i guess it’s just because i’m so interested & invested in the conversation we’re having.

here, there and everywhere – the beatles

i literally feel sparks fly when i talk to you. i feel like when i see you, i’d kiss you first thing. i feel like if i hug you, i’d hold you longer. i feel like i can’t resist you. it’s so weird. i haven’t felt like this for quite some time. i feel like we could work out in the long run. but of course, i shouldn’t be thinking about that.

we have a good thing going for us lately. i hope that over time, you work to gain my trust. because to be completely honest, i really, really, really want to trust you.

A New Chapter

Chamber of Reflection. Mac Demarco. 12:47 AM. Thursday night.

So yeah. I ended things with Jm. I’ve known the guy for a year and a half, and liked him for a more than a year already. But I still don’t love him. Isn’t that supposed to say something about it?

Of course I feel selfish. But it doesn’t mean I didn’t give us a try. I had a hard time working with the relationship we had. I felt like it was too serious and that he was too fixated on being my boyfriend, seeing me often, having high expectations and all that. It was just too difficult to work with. I asked for my time, he couldn’t even give it to me. I understand he was just trying to work with what he had, fight for me and all, but I really felt disrespected when he went beyond that line of personal space.

I don’t want to discuss this anymore, since future Tin would understand that I had to do what I did. Maybe in the future, it would have been the wrong decision, but right now, in this moment, it is the right one.

I feel like college has so much in store for me and that no one should stop me from reaching my full potential of growing. I want to enter college single, without having to worry about someone in the background shoving down resentment for the decisions I’ll be making. I don’t want to worry about cutting my friendships with other people for the sake of someone else to be comfortable. The only people who should have influence on my decision are my family, best friends, and I.

To be honest, I felt like Jm was becoming a hindrance to my growth. I felt the control, even though he was trying his best not to. I guess my tolerance for control is simply… low. Can’t it just be that we don’t see eye to eye anymore? Why does it have to be that it’s me who isn’t trying? I never wanted a relationship in the first place, anyway. And I told him that.

For the First Time. Mac Demarco. 12:59 AM.

Ben Santos is actually really attractive. Well, I’ve known this for quite some time already. I was just ashamed to admit it, I guess. HAHAHA. Yeah, he has a lot of appeal. But I’m just scared of him. I saw how he left Max and that he said he just… ran out of love? I think it’s gonna be risky to be with him. Like I’ll have to keep making myself interesting just so he won’t get tired of me. I get so intimidated talking to him. I feel so stupid. But I know he won’t judge me naman. Still.

I know he can have any girl he wants. Which makes me kinda scared too. Am I really what he wants or is he just lonely? Whatever the answer to that is… I’m still going to wait ’til midway of college. If we decide to get together, I want us both to be sure.

But what I do know is… he is someone I can be proud of. I know this is a shallow statement, but I really can be proud of his looks and his accomplishments. If I get with him, I’d be so lucky to have such an intelligent and good looking guy. He’s really sweet, to be honest. But I guess for now, this is all words until he figures out how to prove it. He’s never had anyone to chase before because it was just easy for him (girls fell into his lap everywhere he went). I don’t want to be easy. Fuck, I wanna be chased.

Well, let’s see where it goes. For now, papaasahin muna kita. I think I’ll eventually like you rin naman eh.

Unless, you know… magustuhan ako ni Timmy Albert. HAHAAHAH kidding.

Headphones

i don’t know what makes me so attracted to you. is it your smile? your laugh? your dark twitter humor (aka Sanchovies, BillRatchet, Guwop)? is it your face? your cheeks? there’s just something about how you know so many girls… yet find me the most beautiful of them all (lol this is so lame rn).

i see a possible future between us, to be honest. it’s not so far into the distant future. i think we just get each other in not being in such a rush. i think being in a relationship with you will just be so smooth and easy. i know it’s too early to be making those assumptions but you just really give off that vibe, you know?

it’s so cute when we beat around the bush and become too shy to say certain things. i can see how you’re such a nervous guy and the difference of how you act when the confidence kicks in. there’s something so attractive about your shyness and exclusivity that i seem to cut through. i start to feel somewhat special because you show me things you don’t show others.

i think you and I could be like a mimi and i. we always beat around the bush, too afraid to really say what we feel. this guessing game and semi-chasing game is actually really, really attractive. hahaha. i’m so weird. i usually hate shy people. i usually have a hard time with introverts. but with you, its somehow oddly attractive.

i sound like an 8th grader talking about cheesy lines and about dates in the future. we barely even know each other but it feels like its been so long already. i dont wish i had met you earlier. i think the timing of which ive met you is just right. you are the person i need you to be, now. you are extremely intelligent, confident, arrogant, appealing and just the perfect mix of it.

and i think i just wanna see you grow, you know? im not one to force someone to be who they aren’t. i just wanna be there to see you develop. little by little, i notice the changes to your lifestyle that youre making and i know i havent been any part of that development. its all you, you know?

it’s so attractive when someone thinks and tells you that you’re out of their league. it puts you up on some high pedestal.

i have this gut feeling that you’re dangerous in a way. and my impulsive self is so attracted to that danger. i feel like i can’t trust you 100%, so it makes my guard up. but at some times, when the clock strikes a certain hour, i just become so vulnerable to you. and you get it. you say sorry more quickly, you say certain sweet things.

i could listen to your ramblings and road rage for as long as you want. i could be the third person in the conversation you have with yourself while looking for your lost items. i could be the support character in the film starring you and your laptop’s start-up disk memory.

it’s so funny because i can just tease you like you’re some little kid. you lose your words. you lose all the comebacks and witty teases. i can be the perfect bully. i don’t wanna be under you. i think we can be equals. but of course, during these teasing moments, i wanna be the bigger person.

i know i’m gonna take a shot on this in the future. i just hope its the right timing.

2017 so far

  1. March 4 – Axis HS Fair
  2. I passed UST, first choice. Rank 51/370(???) something
  3. Boracay with Tita Lisa’s family. I had a good time and was able to get to know them more. This was a great opportunity and time away from work.
  4. Cebu with SC. I’m leaving tomorrow and arriving back on Feb 18. I’m so happy I was finally allowed to join.
  5. Had a soiree last Jan 14 with AHS 2017 boys (C, N, O). Didn’t click with much (as compared to L2016).
  6. I have a plant nursery/collection!
  7. Pau Daluz and I are getting closer bc of memes (we talk almost everyday)

Been so busy lately, which is why I wasn’t able to write so much the past month. Life’s been good to me. Really good.

Why I Never Ran for Graduation Awards

What’s the achievement in an award if you have to apply for it?

What’s the achievement in an award if someone who serves 1,500 people get the same one as someone who serves 100?

After feeling so bad about the latter, I decided not to apply for it anymore. I do not serve for the award, so I won’t apply for it. If someone wants to award me, then go ahead. But I will not apply for an award.

wow, Lord, thank you

2016 has been nothing but full of surprises. I’ve had my fair share of my good and bad ones, but I’d like to think the good has somewhat outweighed the bad.

  1. I won as SC President
  2. I got 3rd honors for the overall of Junior Year (Grade 11)
  3. Highest average in HS last sem, Grade 12 (94.54)
  4. I passed La Salle (first choice!)
  5. I passed Ateneo (first choice!)
  6. I passed UP (i forgot what # it was!)
  7. Fair got approved

And so much more. I am so thankful for everything that has happened so far. I am still waiting for the UST results, but I’m pretty confident I’ll pass. I’m so happy with the way life has been. I know it hasn’t been fair– too many good things, you know. But in time, it will all seem to justify itself. All the long nights spent studying and even stressing out… Totally worth every minute.

I just want to thank the Lord for making all of this possible. I know even if I had put all my effort into this, had I not prayed to you, this wouldn’t be true. Thank you Lord for being there every step of the way and making sure I truly got what I deserve.

This has been the best Christmas so far.

 

PS IN YOUR FACE ROMS.