i just miss how things were

i hate being grounded

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things have been so different

Fine Again – Seether

I’m four months into college. Honestly, this first semester has been such a roller coaster ride for me. Things were fine the first 2-3 months. My grades were okay, Ben and I were going out, my social life was at its peak. But then it all came crashing down mid October when I get caught. Honestly, it was such a great start for me. Everything was so easy. Then, when I was able to settle in, I got too comfortable and screwed up.

Talking with high school friends, things have changed so much. Everyone’s talking about sex like it’s just nothing. My lesbian friends now have boyfriends. People are breaking up and getting with others. Cheating is almost understandable (joke not really but sometimes we just understand it happens, we’re young).

My grades are flunking. Actually, just for chem. For all my other subjects, I have good grades. My mental health is at a low. My relationships are failing. Ever since I was grounded, there’s not really much to talk about with my parents. I usually tell them about my friends or just talk about Ben with them. But then now that’s gone, I don’t really know what to say. So much has changed. I love being away from the house, hanging out with my friends or just chilling at my cousin’s. I find myself being awfully quiet around them, too.

My social life has been quiet, especially since I’m grounded. I don’t really hang out with people in school except for Gavin or Chayee. I still find it kind of awkward if I hang out with anyone else one-on-one. I’m so happy I have this kind of friendship with Gavin. Things aren’t weird and we can tell each other anything under the sun without any judgement. I think that’s healthy. I think I need that with someone esp now that I’m in college. I know that we have a good friendship. Gavin is a really good guy and I know I will grow closer to him in time. This is good, though. I need a support system.

Most of the time, I feel like my company isn’t really enjoyed. People don’t really invite me to things. I feel so lonely. But that’s okay. I’m just really sensitive now, and I guess it would help if Ben was just a little bit more vocal about things. I’m worried that one day it might take a toll on me. I constantly feel like he can’t pick up on things (which is true, he’s not that observant). Sometimes I feel like I mistook the grass being greener on the other side. But I know that’s not the case.

Sometimes I miss Jm, mostly because of the familiarity. He knew right away if something was wrong. And he knew exactly how to fix it. He always had the initiative and motivation to make things okay and to make sure I never slept with a heavy heart. He knew when I was being coy, and when I also wanted my own space. He knew what it means when I suddenly space out during a call. He reminds me to eat, and all these other things. I used to talk to him about my favorite tv series and talk about the characters like they were real people and he would really listen to me and remember all the little things. He used to learn my favorite OPM songs and play them over the phone for me.

Sometimes I feel like I like Ben more than he likes me. And I know that’s supposed to be okay but I still want to be really wanted by him, esp knowing someone else wants me just as much (Jm). I feel like Ben’s so kampante. He doesn’t pay for our dates but he spends so much on his friends. I know I can’t really control where he spends his money but all the time it’s just been me paying for things. I know I’m the one who volunteers it, ofc I want to spoil him too but then now I just feel like I’m not worth it. I think there should just be a balance, I guess. Idek what I’m talking about. I can’t even justify my own feelings.

I just hope he appreciates what I do for him. Like, he doesn’t even need to do these back. All he needs to do is just let me know he appreciates me, I guess.

I stayed up for him last night and it felt so different. Jm would step aside and call me to say good night. For Ben, a text was just enough. And I know it’s bad to compare, but honestly, you just can’t help but do it. I feel like I’m being so selfish and unfair. I know I should be giving him a chance, and that’s what I’ve been doing but sometimes I feel shortchanged for the decision I made. Ben is a great guy but now I am worrying if our love language deficiency will get in between the two of us.

I just want him to be happy. I want to stop being so sensitive and emotional. I want to stop asking him of these things. I just want him to give what he can, and for that to be enough.

Tensionado by Soapdish has never been so meaningful to me until now.

nov 8 2017, 8pm

Blah

I don’t really know why I feel so down right now. I feel like my company isn’t really wanted by others. Today I just planned to have dinner with Cher, then she cancelled. I was supposed to go out with Paolo, then something came up. Ben hasn’t texted me for hours, maxi didn’t tell me when she was done with rotc, chayee didn’t text back when I asked why she was cutting math, Bailey didn’t reply. Am I too clingy?

Right now I feel Gavin is the only one who enjoys my company. When I told him I was til late, he told me to just watch his training. But idk I think I’m just being too sensitive rn. I honestly feel unwanted and I don’t know if I should do anything about it. However I do believe if someone wants to see you/talk to you, they will. So I guess I should just stop forcing myself on people.

It’s a breezy evening in Ateneo. I’m alone in the waiting shed just seated down waiting for maxi to finish. I don’t have any homework. I’ve finished it all. When I get home all I need to do is just shower then I can lay in bed and sleep. I don’t really have plans of talking to people tonight. I think I’m kind of enjoying the solace. I dunno.

loving you is easy

Ben.

Kissing you feels like something else.

Watch me fail as I try to encapsulate into words that fleeting moment.

Your lips are exactly where mine should be. There is a certain tempo we follow when we’re making out that makes it feel so good. Our chemistry is just perfect. You are an extremely great kisser. When I kiss you and grasp the back of your head, I feel like I have both heaven and earth in my hands.

I notice how it’s almost second nature to just fall into your arms. I feel like it’s the perfect place to be. Every time my face rests on your chest, the world suddenly moves slowly. I lose track of everything else.

Workload is heavy, but you make every day so bearable. Walks in the park have never meant so much. No one has ever meant this much.

3 months.

REX ORANGE COUNTY – BELLY (THE GRASS STAINS)

 I can’t believe this is happening again.

This is like the 3rd time I’ve screwed up. But I guess, this time, its worse.

I am hopeful that the 3 months are going to pass by quickly, all the more I know I will regain my parents’ trust back in no time. I just hope that they give me a second chance to make things right again.

I really have no words. I just feel so bad about everything.

I’m sorry, mom, dad, tita lisa.

I’m going to make this right. I’m going to learn from it and go back on the right track.

You will see Ben and I become better.

finally home.

it’s 10:22 pm and i’m in front of my laptop with my alt rock playlist running in the background. here we go again with the same routine ive been doing for the past 4 years and counting.

i don’t know where to start.

check up.

college’s been a rollercoaster ride for me. many times, i find myself coming home past 8pm. home-cooked dinners turn into drive-thru’s at mcdonalds. block lunches turned into date lunches (with 1-3 blockmates).

acads have been heavy and org life is killing me! i study in school when i have the chance. right now, im close friends with gavin and chayee. bianca and danigar are occasional lunch dates but i feel that i dont feel as comfortable with them. there’s nothing wrong but i guess i just feel open with the former 2. i’m happy that the terms are clear between me and gavin. i wouldnt want any complications to occur. im happy that i have good friends and a reliable support system in school. actm has been really fun, most especially code. amp hasn’t really had much projects but i’m looking forward to settling in as the months go by.

ok it’s 9:41 am i just finished breakfast. fell asleep last night eh hahaha.

—-

ben has been making life easier for me. he always offers to do things for me, to drive me to places. i feel so taken care of. everything feels so meant to be and worth it with him. i really haven’t thought that way about anyone, but for him i’m willing to go through so much. i’m starting to think i’m falling in love with him, even though i know i don’t use that term loosely.

he makes me feel like a kid. being around him gives me so much strength. school has been draining, and it feels so nice to come home to someone who just gives you comfort and relaxation. talking to him doesn’t feel like a chore at all. it’s so fun, and if i could, i’d talk to him every moment of every day.

i think i’ll fall in love with him in no time. it’s not far from happening. i believe it’s really close. he really is the full package. he’s so caring, intelligent, understanding, supportive, (incredibly) handsome, interesting, unique, and so much more. i could go on about how i find his drive and passion immensely attractive… he’s just so attractive as a whole.

we fight sometimes. i believe it’s normal. things get difficult sometimes but then i choose to remember that these are the times that we’re just trying to get to know each other better. after all, we’ve only been seeing each other for a few months and we’re at the peak of our ~teen/adulthood~ where crazy shit happens (and, we’re in college too so there’s that) so everything is new and inexcusable and we can’t really apologize for all the stuff that’s going down… we all don’t know how to deal with certain things, especially since they’ve just been introduced into our lives. but to know that someone is willing to ride through the storm and feels just the same way as you do brings a whole lot of comfort.

ben is worth it. i will go through so much for him.

With Arms Wide Open

You’re at a party tonight so I’m finally having some me time. Not that I don’t want you around, but having you gone allows me to have time to step back and look at everything we’ve been through these past few months.

Throughout these months, a lot has changed. As the days go by, I’m trust you more and more. Back then, I used to be afraid of taking risks, especially on you (someone who has some kind of track record in previous relationships).

The more we spent time with each other, the more I got to know you. You started to grow on me. Right now, you mean so much to me. And I can only see that worth grow from this point on.

I feel like a kid with you, just laughing my heart away. I haven’t had this much fun in a while. You make me feel all sorts of new things. Somehow, my feelings for you are also changing the way I think and act (in a positive way). I become gayer too. HAHAHA gross.

I’m so tired today. I had such a long car ride home. Thank you for having late lunch (3pm?) with me. Your company means so much.