1979 – Smashing Pumpkins

things are not ok.

i dont know what to feel. things are good sometimes, then they come crashing down quickly. you let me go to sleep with a heavy heart, you leave me alone, you make me feel alone.

i dont really know if you are still trying to win me back because of what happened. i think you just think that buying me gifts will make it go away. you are forgetting that how i feel is an even bigger factor. i feel so heartbroken in a way.

sometimes i feel like being single might even be better for the both of us. i feel like i will be able to take care of myself and be happy on my own. with you i feel the constant need to be assured because of my trust issues.

you don’t chase me anymore. it’s just been 2 weeks since that happened.



I make enough mistakes
And it feels like she’s the only one that hears the things I say
So if for any reason there’s some miscommunication or I’m lying to her face
My immaturity and habits gettin’ in the way

Last night, we had such a great date. You picked me up, brought me flowers. We watched a movie, had dinner, walked to the park, and you brought me back home. Everything felt like a dream. I fell asleep to your sweet words and affection. This morning I woke up to find out something happened last Friday night.

You drank at Exile on a night you were driving home. We talked about this already. I was disappointed, you apologized and said it would never happen again. You are so difficult to be cared for. I hate that I care about you because in the end, I am taken for granted. I was sent a photo of you sharing a chair with some other girl, and her arm wrapped around your neck.

My heart beat so fast. I wasn’t sure if I was angry or just plain hurt. I didn’t want to assume anything at first, because you were still asleep. I couldn’t help but call you and just figure out whatever happened.

I don’t know how long I can take your mistakes and just brush them away. I feel like you don’t deserve me, my love, and my care. I always do good by you. I never lie, I never give you a reason to worry. I have trusted you ever since, and that night you just chose to test it. I understand you didn’t do anything back, but that’s what you claim to do. Do I choose to take someone else’s word over yours? I don’t know if I can trust you anymore. This was the first time you drank out in a place where my friends were at too. It only makes me wonder if anything worse happens when you are elsewhere.

How do you not realize someone is sharing the same seat as you? How do you not realize something is already happening between the two of you? I am hurt beyond words and I know this will really take time to heal. I miss you but I want to take care of myself first for once. I know what I deserve and this is not it. You hurt me and I have nothing less to say. You do not deserve me.

How dare you tell me you love me when you lied behind my back? How do you love me but forget to tell me important things like this? If you love me, you will never give me a reason to feel uneasy and worried. Had my friends not told me about it, I’d never have known. I am just thankful nalang that these people still care enough and respect me enough to tell me. I have never been this disrespected or lied to. I don’t know how I will bring myself to forgive you, or if I even have it in me to do so.

Get back up, self

You are not hard to love. You are a strong person, and 13 year old Tintin would be so disappointed in seeing you right now.

You are worth every hurdle, every misunderstanding, every little fight. All those small things will not overcome the feelings you have in a relationship.

You are amazing in every little way. In the way you write those cute cards out of love and enjoyment. In the way your eyes light up the moment you talk about something you like. In the way you talk about your friends and family, all the happy times in between.

Things are difficult when there are misunderstandings but it is not something you won’t be able to pull through.

The grass is greener where you water it.


What’s on your mind?

Do you still want to be with me?

Am I getting too difficult?

Are things getting too complicated between us?

I’m scared one day I’ll push you to the edge. I don’t know why I like you so much and that my feelings for you are really taking a toll on me.

I don’t know what’s going on in your mind. I bend over my back to understand you and let you know that, and then I get coldness and hostility in return.

Why am I getting so weak over someone? This is going to hurt so bad.

i hate my situation

i hate having to spare fridays with friends because i have to go home to my dads because weekends are for mom. i hate that i have to live in another house 5 days a week. i hate that i have to juggle three houses. i bet it isnt normal for other people to keep packing their bags each day and planning what outfits to use during the week. i hate not being able to have time for myself at home because i have to spend time with parents because im leaving again.

i hate that i cant have saturday nights out because ill feel bad for not spending time with mom. i have friends who go out every saturday night or every friday night and its perfectly fine. i feel thats been taken away from me and it isnt even my fault. i hate that i was born into this dynamic. i hate that i dont even have a social life and now everything just revolves around family.

i guess this is why having a car is such a big deal to me. i get to have my own freedom and my own time and feel like i have some sort of control in my life and be able to decide where to go versus the usual where people tellĀ me where to go.