I love this artist. Dim Lights is my absolute favorite.
The new year has been great so far. Except for the fact that dad didn’t allow me to go to EvSem… and that he extended my groundedness to the end of January. Before that though, he said that it’s until further notice. Good thing mom spoke to him though.
Honestly, I don’t really understand what else he wants me to learn. Does he think that putting me on a leash will make me learn more things? Or is this just consequence for what I did? What else is there for me to learn? I’m only actually affected by it because I’m at home and not at school. When I’m back to school, things will go back to normal and I will forget I was ever grounded.
I want to be able to drive by myself already though. It would be nice to have my own time and do my own things, without having to consider someone else. But then Maxi’s schedule is pretty cool. She ends late on Tuesdays and Thursdays, which means I could just hang out with friends after class.
I drove the whole day today and it felt nice. I’m trying to have a more positive outlook on life and just make the most of what I can do. I hope I won’t miss so much by missing evsem. I really wanted to go but talking to Ysa made me feel so much better about not being able to go and still making friends. I’m happy I still have a lot more to look forward to in the remaining semester. I will try my best to keep my grades up high so I can become a deans-lister this coming sem.
I want to leave home. I want to have my own life. I guess I’ll understand things when I’m a bit older. Is this unreasonable? Or does it all make sense in the end? I just hope things go back to the way they were before. I might want to get myself checked. I end up crying and breaking down during random times of the day.
I am crying again. I am so tired of this.
It’s been over a year since I last wrote about you. I guess I just didn’t really have much to say. But since the time we were ought to part ways up until now, there have been many moments wherein I just looked back on how things used to be.
A part of me is thankful for having encapsulated in time and writing those moments of our love. Another part of me regrets to remember the way events laid themselves out. It was a unfortunate relationship, one that didn’t really have a place to go. With the words I have inscribed through the years, it’s possible to remember, if not even relive, those moments we shared together. It makes me feel not so far away, even though in reality, it has almost been 4 years or so.
I have perfectly moved on. I am at peace with the way things are now. However, when I go back to that hole in my heart, I remember how you smiled at me. How impossible things would have been had we gotten together. How I felt like the world was against us. I am at peace with reality and how everything fell into place, but then it isn’t wrong for me to think about what could have happened. From time to time, what-ifs and could-have-beens dwell in my mind.
I just start to question; Did you ever miss me? Was it ever hard for you? Or did you just hate me along the way? Was it ever true? Would you have given it a chance if the cards played out right? Would things have worked out?
I remember I liked you so much back then. I kept dreading for another version of you to come along in this lifetime. So that maybe, if our love didn’t work out, it would with this other version of you. Later on, someone else came. He is like you, but also not. He is his own person, and I have never liked anyone this much since you.
I’m listening to Spyro Gyra right now because I recall you’ve always told me to listen to one song by them called “What Might Have Been”. The song doesn’t exists. But now I understand why.
You shouldn’t have to ask for time. You shouldn’t have to ask for attention. You shouldn’t have to ask for love and affection. You shouldn’t ask to be placed on top of a list.
These things should be handed to you, out of someone’s own free will, if they want to. These things are what you deserve, not something you should ask for. You deserve time and laughter and smiles and tears out of joy and never sadness. You deserve flowers once a week, or long drives to home on a busy Friday evening. You deserve breakfast dates or a small note of assurance or company at 2 am when you’re studying late for an exam.
You deserve honesty and disclosure. You deserve someone who will check up on you from time to time. You deserve someone who wants to know if you got home safely. You deserve someone who will ask you to send your uber info just to know what cab you’re on. You deserve someone who will call just to hear your voice, even just for a while. You deserve surprises or simple things like a song dedicated to you or a message greeting good morning to start your day off. You deserve to be someone’s person, someone’s favorite. It’s sad how simple things like these slip away from our hands, when these are the mere things that make us human, that make us feel.
There is something quite painful and heartbreaking about that line that I just can’t seem to pinpoint.
I’m trying to put to words the sadness you get when you reminisce how great things once were over a certain period of time. The fact that you glance at it from a distance means you are no longer living in that reality.
Is it failure to see the beauty of now? Is it simply your way out when things start getting difficult?
Audioslave always makes me feel a certain way. idek what to write
There are 2 kinds of distances to watch out for. Also, one of them ends in heartbreak.
You are miles away from one another. Every time you happen to be in the same area, fate distorts reality and the chances for seeing each other drop to a 0. You see one another from a distance, but you can’t move an inch closer. Cards and gifts are delivered through friends or a courier service. Hugs are virtual. Days are filled with so many other things. Conversations depend on a wi-fi connection. You are surrounded by different environments; a different group of people, buildings, events, experiences. Distance 1.
It takes a toll. The different environments you once thought would help make you both live in a bigger world ended up causing a gap between you two. Conversations don’t have a basis, your worlds are too far apart to ever collide. The only time you talk is to greet each other in the morning, and to wish each other good night. You are forgetting the way he sounds. You do not share your favorite songs anymore. He lacks the motivation to share about his day. You aren’t even in love yet but it’s almost as if you are already falling out of it. Your pillow is wet every night, and there is no person there to soothe you at the end of the day. Distance 2.
#np Audioslave (as usual)
I used to compare Ben’s ways of consoling me to Jm’s ways. But then it took me a conversation with Janessa to realize that my expectations were wrong and unfair.
Ben’s ways are different, but that isn’t a bad thing. It just takes getting used to. Just because he doesn’t ask me if I’m okay the second time around, or doesn’t call me before I sleep, it doesn’t mean he cares any less. He’s a less vocal person than Jm, and I have to understand that. I may be used to Jm’s ways, but in time I will grow familiar to Ben’s. I can’t change a person.
People have different ways of professing how they feel. Ben’s may not be ideal or what I’m used to (because of Jm), but these ways are his own. Little by little, I will get used to it and eventually love it.
It’s important to understand what your lover is capable of giving you. Just because it isn’t the way you want it to be, it doesn’t make it mean any less.