Mag-aaral na talaga ako

It’s September already. Last time I made a post was back in July. Jeez, it’s been that long? I haven’t really had the motive to write and do a life check. Hadn’t really had anything to write about since life’s going the way I expected it to.

CETs are right around the corner. CETember nga naman. Speaking of which, I haven’t studied for it this weekend pa. This Sunday is the UPCAT. Well, wala naman pasok bukas kaya bukas nalang ako mag-aaral.

I just want to talk about how life feels so good lately. Had our class retreat last Thurs-Fri, Sept  8-9. Just got home from Pico de Loro a few hours ago. The retreat opened up my eyes to see how many people saw me as inspirational, fun, a mood changer, kind and loving, and all the nice things you could think of.

Continue reading “Mag-aaral na talaga ako”

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Ground Zero

This is the lowest point in my whole friendship with you – rather, my friendship with anyone. I feel so pathetic, let down and unappreciated. You do not deserve me.

You called me OA for messaging your friends, asking them what was wrong, since I was filled with worry after you left me with a “I’m having a life crisis” text. You said you got annoyed and wasn’t used to me being like this. I was worried, I cared, I wanted to know what was wrong. Maybe you don’t have friends who are like that.

I don’t even know what to say. I have no words for you anymore.

Foreseeing the End of Our Friendship

There is no excusable explanation for the way you have been treating me. There is no kind and absolute justification for why you’ve been hurting me in the way you are. There is no re-route, no taking back, no plan b.

6 am: “Is our friendship important to you?”

1 pm: “Did you get my text?” “Yeah, why?” “You didn’t reply.”

You know, you couldn’t of have answered that question any better. At least now I know my importance and my purpose in your life, and I will stop pushing myself to someone who clearly doesn’t need me anymore – or at least act like he does.

You’re so full of yourself and think that you don’t need anyone anymore. You just think of yourself and whatever’s convenient to you. You are a fair-weathered friend. Whenever something goes wrong, you disappear. I am just your friend when you have a problem. And it never happens the other way around.

I’m glad I made the decision long ago not to tell you about my friends or my family. I’m glad I never told you about the way I fell in love in grade 7 or the way I got so hurt when my brother lied to me for the very first time.

I’m glad I never let you in my life – probably partially, but never completely.

Did I Ever Mean Anything to You?

How could you just wake up one day and decide you never wanted to talk to me again? As if our time and words spent on each other did not yield anything greater? How could you just get up and go? No further explanation, no goodbyes, just a plain chatbox and all messages coming from one side. How could you sleep at night knowing you cut the line and never even tried?

Your leaving would have been more acceptable to me if I did anything wrong. If I turned my back on you, if I left you hanging, if I threw you in the ditch. But I didn’t. We were perfectly fine. We laughed, joked around, talked on a daily basis. Then one afternoon, I couldn’t get to your call. You jolted, you backed up, you left. And everything after that was a blur.

We were already there – at the peak of our friendship, rather, of whatever we had. I refuse to call it a friendship now, firmly believing that friendships are for two people who exert their own effort to make things work, to help out each other. In this case, it’s only me.

Make it clear to me. How come you just left? Did I not mean anything to you? Was our friendship not important to you? Was the past year just a joke? Was I just the problem solver? The go to friend? The available one? Now I feel so stupid for always being there for you.

You wouldn’t be there for me anyways.

I miss you, Alfonso. I do. I know I don’t love you more than a friend. But I love you, as a friend, as a sister, as someone who has seen all sides of you and has gone to the ends of this earth trying to cheer you up and be there for you. So if you throw this all away, I will stop fighting for you because I can only do so much. I miss you, but I have had enough. It’s time for you to come through or else we’re not going anywhere anymore.

I miss you.

 

Pwede pa ba tayo?

Tayo, I mean, as friends.

Before you sleep, do you ever wonder how I am? Do you ever think of how hurt I get because you don’t reply? Do you ever dwell on the fact that I am just waiting for a text, a call, a knock, a ‘hey’?

How could you let us fade just like that? Why was it so easy for you? Do I not matter? Am I not important? Was our friendship just a joke? Was I really just someone you ran to when problems arose?

I was there for you. Every second of every day. I listened to you. Whether it was about your grades, your girls, your family, your friends, your frat – anything. I didn’t expect anything in return. I just wanted to be there for you. And I was doing fine, until one day, you just stopped talking to me.

Did I say something wrong? Did I do something that must have hurt you?

You meant something to me. You still mean something to me. I cared about you, I missed you, I loved you, but you took it and left.

You took all those hours staying up past 1 talking while we had school the next day. You took all the tears I shed on you laughing and talking about my ex. You took all the kwentuhan sessions, the drunk calls, the angry calls, the rants, the I-bumped-into-toot stories. You took a part of my life. Why did you walk away just like that? How could you walk away just like that?

Do we have a chance to be friends again? Will you even talk to me ever again? Your friends tell me you’re ok, but you told me yourself you’d talk to me when you’re fine. But how come I am still not yet getting your message? I guess you’ll just never connect to me again.

Yes I miss your instant replies. Your dry humor. Your rough comments. Your stupid remarks. Your incessant compliments about your crushes. Your reactions. Yes I miss you and I am not ashamed to say so.

I just wish you miss me too.

 

Tensionado by Soapdish

Tensionado, nagulat din ako
Nung malaman na hindi lang pala ako

Okay. I knew you weren’t okay and that you were going to talk to me when you were okay already. You haven’t posted anything in the few days of your “recollection” but then last night you did, you even snapped with your friends.

Are you doing this on purpose?

Do you really want me to feel worried and anxious and everything? Do you mean to not message me, just to make me feel this way?

You were never like this and it hurts me to know you might be doing this on purpose.

Yung nanghinayang nung nag away tayo nun
At natuluyan sa iyakan at tampo

At sandali lang, ‘wag ka munang magsalita
‘Di ko hahayaang lahat ito ay mawala
Ang iniisip ko, Kung pwede pa ba tayo?

I hate that you made me stress over so many things. I care about you, I really do. Beyond words. But I don’t want you to do anything like this to me.

I hope you talk to me soon because I want to know what’s wrong.