Mag-aaral na talaga ako

It’s September already. Last time I made a post was back in July. Jeez, it’s been that long? I haven’t really had the motive to write and do a life check. Hadn’t really had anything to write about since life’s going the way I expected it to.

CETs are right around the corner. CETember nga naman. Speaking of which, I haven’t studied for it this weekend pa. This Sunday is the UPCAT. Well, wala naman pasok bukas kaya bukas nalang ako mag-aaral.

I just want to talk about how life feels so good lately. Had our class retreat last Thurs-Fri, Sept  8-9. Just got home from Pico de Loro a few hours ago. The retreat opened up my eyes to see how many people saw me as inspirational, fun, a mood changer, kind and loving, and all the nice things you could think of.

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Ground Zero

This is the lowest point in my whole friendship with you – rather, my friendship with anyone. I feel so pathetic, let down and unappreciated. You do not deserve me.

You called me OA for messaging your friends, asking them what was wrong, since I was filled with worry after you left me with a “I’m having a life crisis” text. You said you got annoyed and wasn’t used to me being like this. I was worried, I cared, I wanted to know what was wrong. Maybe you don’t have friends who are like that.

I don’t even know what to say. I have no words for you anymore.

Foreseeing the End of Our Friendship

There is no excusable explanation for the way you have been treating me. There is no kind and absolute justification for why you’ve been hurting me in the way you are. There is no re-route, no taking back, no plan b.

6 am: “Is our friendship important to you?”

1 pm: “Did you get my text?” “Yeah, why?” “You didn’t reply.”

You know, you couldn’t of have answered that question any better. At least now I know my importance and my purpose in your life, and I will stop pushing myself to someone who clearly doesn’t need me anymore – or at least act like he does.

You’re so full of yourself and think that you don’t need anyone anymore. You just think of yourself and whatever’s convenient to you. You are a fair-weathered friend. Whenever something goes wrong, you disappear. I am just your friend when you have a problem. And it never happens the other way around.

I’m glad I made the decision long ago not to tell you about my friends or my family. I’m glad I never told you about the way I fell in love in grade 7 or the way I got so hurt when my brother lied to me for the very first time.

I’m glad I never let you in my life – probably partially, but never completely.

Did I Ever Mean Anything to You?

How could you just wake up one day and decide you never wanted to talk to me again? As if our time and words spent on each other did not yield anything greater? How could you just get up and go? No further explanation, no goodbyes, just a plain chatbox and all messages coming from one side. How could you sleep at night knowing you cut the line and never even tried?

Your leaving would have been more acceptable to me if I did anything wrong. If I turned my back on you, if I left you hanging, if I threw you in the ditch. But I didn’t. We were perfectly fine. We laughed, joked around, talked on a daily basis. Then one afternoon, I couldn’t get to your call. You jolted, you backed up, you left. And everything after that was a blur.

We were already there – at the peak of our friendship, rather, of whatever we had. I refuse to call it a friendship now, firmly believing that friendships are for two people who exert their own effort to make things work, to help out each other. In this case, it’s only me.

Make it clear to me. How come you just left? Did I not mean anything to you? Was our friendship not important to you? Was the past year just a joke? Was I just the problem solver? The go to friend? The available one? Now I feel so stupid for always being there for you.

You wouldn’t be there for me anyways.

I miss you, Alfonso. I do. I know I don’t love you more than a friend. But I love you, as a friend, as a sister, as someone who has seen all sides of you and has gone to the ends of this earth trying to cheer you up and be there for you. So if you throw this all away, I will stop fighting for you because I can only do so much. I miss you, but I have had enough. It’s time for you to come through or else we’re not going anywhere anymore.

I miss you.

 

Pwede pa ba tayo?

Tayo, I mean, as friends.

Before you sleep, do you ever wonder how I am? Do you ever think of how hurt I get because you don’t reply? Do you ever dwell on the fact that I am just waiting for a text, a call, a knock, a ‘hey’?

How could you let us fade just like that? Why was it so easy for you? Do I not matter? Am I not important? Was our friendship just a joke? Was I really just someone you ran to when problems arose?

I was there for you. Every second of every day. I listened to you. Whether it was about your grades, your girls, your family, your friends, your frat – anything. I didn’t expect anything in return. I just wanted to be there for you. And I was doing fine, until one day, you just stopped talking to me.

Did I say something wrong? Did I do something that must have hurt you?

You meant something to me. You still mean something to me. I cared about you, I missed you, I loved you, but you took it and left.

You took all those hours staying up past 1 talking while we had school the next day. You took all the tears I shed on you laughing and talking about my ex. You took all the kwentuhan sessions, the drunk calls, the angry calls, the rants, the I-bumped-into-toot stories. You took a part of my life. Why did you walk away just like that? How could you walk away just like that?

Do we have a chance to be friends again? Will you even talk to me ever again? Your friends tell me you’re ok, but you told me yourself you’d talk to me when you’re fine. But how come I am still not yet getting your message? I guess you’ll just never connect to me again.

Yes I miss your instant replies. Your dry humor. Your rough comments. Your stupid remarks. Your incessant compliments about your crushes. Your reactions. Yes I miss you and I am not ashamed to say so.

I just wish you miss me too.

 

Tensionado by Soapdish

Tensionado, nagulat din ako
Nung malaman na hindi lang pala ako

Okay. I knew you weren’t okay and that you were going to talk to me when you were okay already. You haven’t posted anything in the few days of your “recollection” but then last night you did, you even snapped with your friends.

Are you doing this on purpose?

Do you really want me to feel worried and anxious and everything? Do you mean to not message me, just to make me feel this way?

You were never like this and it hurts me to know you might be doing this on purpose.

Yung nanghinayang nung nag away tayo nun
At natuluyan sa iyakan at tampo

At sandali lang, ‘wag ka munang magsalita
‘Di ko hahayaang lahat ito ay mawala
Ang iniisip ko, Kung pwede pa ba tayo?

I hate that you made me stress over so many things. I care about you, I really do. Beyond words. But I don’t want you to do anything like this to me.

I hope you talk to me soon because I want to know what’s wrong.

I don’t know

Roms, di ko na talaga alam. May patutunguhan ba ‘to? Gusto ko ba sayo? Alam ko naman wala kang gusto sa akin eh. Andami mo nang nagustuhang ibang babae. Ako lagi naging confidante mo. Sobrang andami ko nang alam tungkol sayo. We can talk about anything in the world. We don’t do anything couple-y or romantic. We don’t talk about sweet stuff. When you say something nice about me, it comes once in a million times. 

I don’t feel empty when you don’t message me. I don’t feel sad if I don’t see you for forever. I don’t sulk if you reply in a way I didn’t expect you to. 

That’s the thing – there are no expectations. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I get along with you so much. And I am your best friend, and you are mine (in guys side). And can I just say how I think you are definitely one of a kind (most of the time). On rare occasions, you are a douche. But I guess that’s just part of having a regular friendship, right? 

Sorry if I keep expecting something from you. I know I shouldn’t. I don’t even like you, right? 

It’s (Almost) A Quarter After One

It’s 1:34 am right now as I am writing this. I’ve got Need You Now by Lady Antebellum playing on my earphones. We are talking. It’s a Sunday night and we’ve both got classes the next day. Yours at 8, mine at 7:30 in the morning. You tell me you aren’t sleepy, that you woke up at 2 in the afternoon earlier and really don’t feel an ounce of drowsiness. I’m here, writing my review of related literature, facing my screen and finding the time to talk to you about random things.

I don’t feel any kind of butterflies when we talk. You talk to me normally, anyway. So why would I? We don’t talk as if we’re special to each other. I guess we could go weeks without having to see or hear from each other and it’s still gonna be alright.

My research partner fell asleep mid conversation about our paper. I guess it’s okay since she’s contributed 3/4 of the work I’m trying to muster up right now. I could just print this and go to sleep. But for some reason, I keep thinking there’s work to do (and I know there is) and maybe a tiny bit of me still wants to talk to you. Or because I’m really not sleepy at all and am trying to put meaning into all this.

It’s pretty awesome how I can just randomly insert some comment, joke, thought, brainfart and it would be totally okay for you. I love how our friendship is so open and we can just talk about anything under the sun. You send me weird photos of yourself, and I don’t judge you at all. We can talk past midnight on a school night and none of us would take it the other way.

 

Why am I even writing to you? Writing about you? There’s nothing going on between us anyway. There is nothing special. Nor do I take this the other way.

Haha. Ok. Bye.

[I don’t want to like you]

I’ve only been thinking about this recently. Never has this ever crossed my mind before – maybe for a couple of times but never constantly, you know?

I don’t want to like you because you are like a brother to me, a best friend. Besides Car and Patty (and a few finger friends), I believe you’re trustworthy enough to know what happens in my life. We’ve been friends for more than a year now, but been only closer in the past few months. A lot has happened since Nic and I broke up, and you were always there to clean up the mess. Not that I asked you to or that you were obliged to.

Red Hot Chili Peppers – Otherside is playing, earphones on full blast… you just sent me a message earlier regarding these 2 girls you like, saying “I feel like a two timer” because you both got them cute gifts from New York. I don’t know if you actually bought them or just picked them up and took photos of them, but eitherway, you were definitely thinking of the two.

Not that I’m jealous or anything close to that. I’ve always been that friend since the moment I met you. I always knew about your love life and all the affairs you had with other people. You told me about the people you loved and still do, and the struggles with moving on that you face. I never judged you for that, because we were both comfortable with each other. I’ve had my fair share of stories and you would react with the same concern as I did you.

I just don’t know. You’re such a great guy, and maybe that’s why I keep thinking that there’s this subconscious sign of you liking me or what. I guess it’s because lately I’ve been missing the feeling of companionship and you seem to be the only guy at the moment who’s been giving me that. I will not blame you for doing so and all the more will I not push you away because you do so – but rather, I push myself away for thinking things like that.

I don’t want to like you because you will never like me back. I don’t want to like you because you will feel weird when you start sharing about the girls in your life. I don’t want to like you because you’ve always seen me as a friend and nothing more. I don’t want to like you because you’re too busy with all these other girls – and better things in life. I don’t want to like you because I have nothing more to offer but myself, which I believe won’t be enough considering the fact that I am very unworthy of a guy like you. I don’t want to like you because you will never-

Shit. My phone just lit up and your name is stitched across it. I don’t feel jumpy at all, because this is such a normal sight. We talk almost every day and sometimes it annoys me because I have nothing to talk about with you anymore but you just keep coming back.

I don’t want to like you and I won’t.