What I Remember

  1. You always put verbs as the start of your sentence. You barely use pronounces.
  2. Blueberry cheesecake & cheese ice cream.
  3. Rice and spaghetti go together.
  4. Ube.
  5. “Am”. You get it.
  6. “How were your exams?” “That’s good to hear.”
  7. We are kindred spirits.

You know what? I should stop this. I should stop writing about you. This is not healthy. It fucking helps me remember everything about you and what we’ve been through. It’s not good for me. You’re not good for me. I have to stop this. I’m going to get nowhere if I keep this up. Everything feels as if they all just happened yesterday. How can I get the memories to stop flushing themselves back every single time someone mentions your name?

The hole is still so deep. The wound is still so fresh. Your name is still engraved. A little faded around the edges, but still debosed badly in my system. So fuck you, and fuck your effect on me.

Back to number 7 though. Yeah. I guess you could say that we are kindred spirits, and I guess I could attest to the fact that yeah, you were right when you told me that soon, I would find a new kindred spirit.

But you would still be the first, I guess.

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you@mylife.com

Hi. So… how are you? I know we haven’t spoken in a while, so I’ve decided to drop you a message. You don’t need to reply, though. I know you can’t, and I also do know I shouldn’t be sending this at all, but I can’t help it.

Sometimes, when I’m all alone, I end up missing you. I think about you and all we’ve been through the past 2 years. Kinda crazy, isn’t it? I feel so stupid thinking back to all of what used to be and how it could have been, but couldn’t be, all because of one event. It changed my life. It changed my life in two different ways, there were negative effects; one of which was you being taken away from me. But the beneficial one is that I knew how you felt about me, I finally knew. I keep thinking and wanting to believe that we DID have a past, and that we DID happen, whether or not we were aware of it.

I miss your complaints about work. I miss your anxiety attacks. I miss your, “how was your test?” questions. I miss your rounds. I miss your “that’s nice to know” comments. How are you? Where are you working now? Have you been on trips lately? I keep wishing you are missing me too.

Do you ever think of me when you’re lonely? Have you cried while doing so? Did you ever think things could go the other way around? Do you still smile when you see my name? Do you still think of me every time you think of Simple Line? This is stupid, I know. I’m back to wishful thinking… the thing is; I never really left that stage. With you, it was constant wishing. I never really got what I wanted.

Things will never be the same after you. Because after you, I believed all things were possible. Just a lot of determination, hard work, and perseverance will get you the prize… and a lot of flirting too. So, thanks? Thanks for making me believe in the impossible. Thanks for loving me back.

From: me@yourlife.com

The Difference

How can you want someone whom you know you have no chance with? How can you be beside them and feel nothing but joy and sadness? Joy in knowing you are in the presence of someone so amazing, someone so fascinating, someone who makes you question, “Why are you taken for granted?” And sadness because you know you will never get a chance to tell them their worth.

You laugh at my jokes, look me in the eyes, and then suddenly, I feel a surge run through my veins. We talk for a while, you smile, and then my heart stops and I can’t think straight. I see you at the bottom of the hall and I can’t help but feel my stomach drop and my hands tremble.

How is it possible that a 1 second smile from you could create a smile on my face that would last a day? How is it possible that your little words would mean so much to me? How is it that being a meter away from you makes me feel so happy I don’t even know where to start?

A day with you might seem like a regular day for all the people in this universe but for me it is something I cannot picture in my head. It must be too good to be true. I see you for a second but that second feels like a day. Time stops and you distract me from everything else around me.

I look at you and think, I would be the happiest person in the planet, if only I had you.

You hug me and I wrap around my arms the most magnificent person I have ever met. It’s like I never wanted to let go. My head on your shoulder, yours on mine. I could feel your warmth and it was such a comfortable feeling. I liked it and I knew I wanted it to be that way always. And right on that spot, you pulled away. And that’s when I knew. I can’t have you. Not now, not ever.”

It’s been a year now, and I can perfectly state the difference of my thoughts now to my thoughts then. To make it perfectly clear, you were mine at one point, no matter how many times we try to deny it, to us, it was the truth. There was never a contract that would assure us of so, but our hearts made a deal, didn’t they?

So to answer the questions stated above;

How can you want someone whom you know you have no chance with?
You look at them straight in the eye, work hard, and be truthful to your feelings. Don’t deny. 

How can you be beside them and feel nothing but joy and sadness?
It’s possible, but you have to get over it. So what if you feel sadness? Let the joy overweigh it.

How is it possible that a 1 second smile from you could create a smile on my face that would last a day?
Because I loved you.

How is it possible that your little words would mean so much to me?
Again, because I loved you.

How is it that being a meter away from you makes me feel so happy I don’t even know where to start?

Lastly, because I loved you.

Inconsistency

You are my inconsistency. You are the shape of the moon for it changes every night. You are the calendar, different every day. You are the music on the radio for it’s always on shuffle. You are the way my hair stands every time I wake up, on the left side, on the right at times. You are the way my mom reacts; angry then mad then sad then happy. I never know which is which. You are the time of sunset… with a difference by a minute each day. You may have been inconsistent, but the thought of you never was.

Unfinished Business

She is my unfinished business. We were never together, but it surely felt like we were. There was something about her that set her to that certain state of ‘almost’. She was my dead star, still bright and shining, yet so far away and impossible to reach. But the thing is, I’m already happy now. I’m perfectly happy in my current relationship but why is it that I must always return to the thought of you? That at least once in a while, her name will pop out of nowhere and my mind will suddenly go bizurk with all the thoughts rushing through it? No, no. What am I thinking? I must set myself to only one path. That is the path without her. She was a disease, a severe case of endless hoping. But soon, that disease treated itself. I wasn’t hoping anymore.

She is my unfinished business; and she must remain that way.