1979 – Smashing Pumpkins

things are not ok.

i dont know what to feel. things are good sometimes, then they come crashing down quickly. you let me go to sleep with a heavy heart, you leave me alone, you make me feel alone.

i dont really know if you are still trying to win me back because of what happened. i think you just think that buying me gifts will make it go away. you are forgetting that how i feel is an even bigger factor. i feel so heartbroken in a way.

sometimes i feel like being single might even be better for the both of us. i feel like i will be able to take care of myself and be happy on my own. with you i feel the constant need to be assured because of my trust issues.

you don’t chase me anymore. it’s just been 2 weeks since that happened.



I make enough mistakes
And it feels like she’s the only one that hears the things I say
So if for any reason there’s some miscommunication or I’m lying to her face
My immaturity and habits gettin’ in the way

Last night, we had such a great date. You picked me up, brought me flowers. We watched a movie, had dinner, walked to the park, and you brought me back home. Everything felt like a dream. I fell asleep to your sweet words and affection. This morning I woke up to find out something happened last Friday night.

You drank at Exile on a night you were driving home. We talked about this already. I was disappointed, you apologized and said it would never happen again. You are so difficult to be cared for. I hate that I care about you because in the end, I am taken for granted. I was sent a photo of you sharing a chair with some other girl, and her arm wrapped around your neck.

My heart beat so fast. I wasn’t sure if I was angry or just plain hurt. I didn’t want to assume anything at first, because you were still asleep. I couldn’t help but call you and just figure out whatever happened.

I don’t know how long I can take your mistakes and just brush them away. I feel like you don’t deserve me, my love, and my care. I always do good by you. I never lie, I never give you a reason to worry. I have trusted you ever since, and that night you just chose to test it. I understand you didn’t do anything back, but that’s what you claim to do. Do I choose to take someone else’s word over yours? I don’t know if I can trust you anymore. This was the first time you drank out in a place where my friends were at too. It only makes me wonder if anything worse happens when you are elsewhere.

How do you not realize someone is sharing the same seat as you? How do you not realize something is already happening between the two of you? I am hurt beyond words and I know this will really take time to heal. I miss you but I want to take care of myself first for once. I know what I deserve and this is not it. You hurt me and I have nothing less to say. You do not deserve me.

How dare you tell me you love me when you lied behind my back? How do you love me but forget to tell me important things like this? If you love me, you will never give me a reason to feel uneasy and worried. Had my friends not told me about it, I’d never have known. I am just thankful nalang that these people still care enough and respect me enough to tell me. I have never been this disrespected or lied to. I don’t know how I will bring myself to forgive you, or if I even have it in me to do so.

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It just happens.

xxxtentacion – 17 (ocean mix)

Distance does not make the heart grow fonder.

“Maybe he’s just busy with school. stressed with things, you know,” Gavin says, his short pause followed by, “…actually, you’re stressed with school too—”

“But I find a way.” I say.

“Yeah, you do.”

Continue reading “It just happens.”


Know What You Deserve

You shouldn’t have to ask for time. You shouldn’t have to ask for attention. You shouldn’t have to ask for love and affection. You shouldn’t ask to be placed on top of a list.

These things should be handed to you, out of someone’s own free will, if they want to. These things are what you deserve, not something you should ask for. You deserve time and laughter and smiles and tears out of joy and never sadness. You deserve flowers once a week, or long drives to home on a busy Friday evening. You deserve breakfast dates or a small note of assurance or company at 2 am when you’re studying late for an exam.

You deserve honesty and disclosure. You deserve someone who will check up on you from time to time. You deserve someone who wants to know if you got home safely. You deserve someone who will ask you to send your uber info just to know what cab you’re on. You deserve someone who will call just to hear your voice, even just for a while. You deserve surprises or simple things like a song dedicated to you or a message greeting good morning to start your day off. You deserve to be someone’s person, someone’s favorite. It’s sad how simple things like these slip away from our hands, when these are the mere things that make us human, that make us feel.


“Remember When”

There is something quite painful and heartbreaking about that line that I just can’t seem to pinpoint.

I’m trying to put to words the sadness you get when you reminisce how great things once were over a certain period of time. The fact that you glance at it from a distance means you are no longer living in that reality.

Is it failure to see the beauty of now? Is it simply your way out when things start getting difficult?

Audioslave always makes me feel a certain way. idek what to write


Distance 1 and Distance 2

There are 2 kinds of distances to watch out for. Also, one of them ends in heartbreak.

You are miles away from one another. Every time you happen to be in the same area, fate distorts reality and the chances for seeing each other drop to a 0. You see one another from a distance, but you can’t move an inch closer. Cards and gifts are delivered through friends or a courier service. Hugs are virtual. Days are filled with so many other things. Conversations depend on a wi-fi connection. You are surrounded by different environments; a different group of people, buildings, events, experiences. Distance 1.

It takes a toll. The different environments you once thought would help make you both live in a bigger world ended up causing a gap between you two. Conversations don’t have a basis, your worlds are too far apart to ever collide. The only time you talk is to greet each other in the morning, and to wish each other good night. You are forgetting the way he sounds. You do not share your favorite songs anymore. He lacks the motivation to share about his day. You aren’t even in love yet but it’s almost as if you are already falling out of it. Your pillow is wet every night, and there is no person there to soothe you at the end of the day. Distance 2.

#np Audioslave (as usual)