:^)

It has been four months since we broke up. Up til this day, I still hear things about me that you tell others. It really pained me when you told people you found me dumb because I was placed in Math 1. I would be so shy and embarrassed to ask for help from you when I had homework because I felt so stupid, I felt like you were going to look down on me — and that is exactly what happened. You told me to trust you and to know you would never judge me. But in believing that is where I went wrong.

I have no idea what to say. You’re like this completely different person and I guess that’s a good thing because now I never really think of us working out in the long run.

Your personality is disgusting. You are selfish and so judgmental. You think you are on top of everybody else when deep inside you are just an insecure, conscious low life.

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untitled – rex

When the person you love leaves you for someone else

If there is one thing I’ll tell you, it’s this: You will not see it coming. You will look at your relationship and view it as something so beautifully right, something that will continue on in the long run. You will press your head unto his chest one afternoon and will fail to realize this is the last time it will happen. You will wake up one morning not expecting what could possibly be the heaviest heartbreak you have ever received.

And when he does it, when he finally leaves you, you will gather all the scraps of reasons he has left. You will pick it up and try to piece them together, try to make something meaningful and significant out of it. You will try to make it equate to the gravity of heartbreak because to you, no, this does not make sense.

To you, it has to be more than “communication problems”, it has to be more than just “not understanding one another”, it has to be more than just “differences outweighing similarities” because you remember, you’ve been here before — you’ve worked it out this far. These problems were familiar but were always solved. What difference does this time make? Why were problems that have been solved before… suddenly unsolvable?

To you, it will not make sense. You twist and turn in bed obsessing over where you went wrong. You take long drives trying to clear your head of self-doubt. You replay conversations, reread texts, trying to figure out where the turning point took place.

Then suddenly, one afternoon, it could be a month later or a few short days after, a new reason throws itself unto you. Your heart falls into your gut, your insides shatter, your knees fall weak. You never would have guessed it. You realize you could have worked it out with one another. It’s just that he didn’t want it to anymore. Your relationship was not falling into place simply because he wanted it to fall into place with someone else.

The self-doubt returns, but this time, with resentment. The resentment gathers with confusion — are you angry at him or at yourself? You wish you had known earlier, it could have spared you from all the heartbreak. But you also wish you could have been good enough to keep him.

I hope you find the love you are looking for

You change the girls you like just like how you change the things you like. You hop off to the next chick who likes the shit you do. When she decides to have her own identity and perhaps stray away from the things so familiar to you, you’ll get scared and run away and find some other person to leave your imprint on and wait until they basically share the same identity as you.

You are toxic like that. You leech on other people. You use them as temporary healing pads or bandaids you put over your wounds caused by fears you are too afraid to face. When you get over your fixation on The Office and move to some other tv show, then I guess you would then get over your fixation on her too, and then find some other tv show and another girl with it.

It will take so much time for me to heal. I thought the process was done but some days I can’t help but feel like the progress is going backwards. It took so much trust in you, in all those times I believed your friendship was just that — a friendship. All those times you were texting her, going out with her alone, etc. This has scarred me so bad.

I hate to admit, but it still hurts. I’m more filled with anger than I do with pain, but I can still realize that.

I hope you find someone that loves you in the way you specifically want to. I hope she is everything you want her to be, 100% of the time. I hope she magically understands you the level you so deeply want to be understood. I hope she has telepathic powers to know when you are about to have a nervous breakdown. I’m so tired of your bullshit

so much love

Without You – Maroon 5

I have been feeling so much love around me right now.

I can live without you, Ben. Happily. Just watch.

I’ve been working on myself so much recently and I am so proud of that. Maybe it was just right that we broke up. We have always had problems about expression. We used to go in circles about that before. And maybe that is why we are better off on our own paths. Now, I feel more concern and affection from my friends than I did with you. I’ve been so well taken care of that all my fears of never feeling affection/care or receiving attention are completely gone. I have people around me that ask if I’ve eaten, drive me home, treat me out, hang out with me whenever. Some even invite me still even when they know I’m busy/can’t go. I’ve been so wanted by others.

I was so worried thinking I wouldn’t be wanted or that I lost the sole person that would ever want to be by me. I forgot that my presence is a blessing to others and that I could instantly light up a room just by walking in. I forgot the rush of fulfillment I received whenever I’d achieve my personal goals and find the balance of busyness I used to have before. I forgot that I was lovable. That I was capable of more. That people enjoyed my company. I forgot who I was for a while. I forgot my value when I lost you.

People always obsess about the reasons. They don’t accept the ones handed to them, especially when it seems a lot simpler than they thought it would be. Because the heartbreak is painful, the reason must be equally painful, right? Truth be told, no reason will ever be as equally painful. No reason will ever suffice. I have given up in trying to find a reason you gave that would somehow equate to the heartbreak I received. I have given up on probing and turning over every rock trying to find answers for where it all went wrong just because I couldn’t accept the ones you gave me. I have come to peace with the situation and am finally starting to take in that things just didn’t work out between us. We are growing together, but towards different directions.

We have changed so much from the people we used to be before it all went down. Things were a lot simpler before, and when they got tough, you left. Maybe that is the only thing that you are good at doing. However, this was a blessing in disguise to me. I was able to test my lengths, love in a way I never had, and end up learning an invaluable lesson.

When I lost you, I got me back. Longer showers, sleeping earlier, staying up late but not for anyone/anything else (just me!), conversations with more people, time for my org and acads. Not that you really affected much of these when we were together before, but then I don’t know. It still changed drastically. When I lost you, the gap you left was just too big that I did just about anything to fill it in. I filled it in with the people who asked me how I was even though we aren’t that close (I actually answered them honestly). I filled it in with actually saying yes to going out (instead of staying at home and doing my own thing). I filled it in with exploring out of my comfort zone (by volunteering for that Code engagement even though I was loaded with other stuff to do). I filled it in with the little things that I didn’t really pay much attention to back then.

Having that gap affected me in such a way that I opened myself to other things that I used to be so closed towards. I let people in.

In the process of forgetting about you, I am remembering me. I am remembering how I can be a light to others, how I can impact the youth through empowerment, how I can reach my goals in my own ways. How I was and am something more than just someone who loved you.

Here’s to more days of self-love, care, and forgiveness. I forgive you for giving up on me, but most of all, I forgive myself for giving up on me.

Withdrawal

I am at a withdrawal.

Right place, wrong time
Is what she said to me
These days gone to waste
Is what we’re left with
Right place, wrong time
Is what she said to me
These days gone to waste
Is what we’re left with

It is so difficult going through every day still being haunted by the ghost of you.

I feel like I am obsessed with reading through your reasons — trying to find one equally drastic as the heartbreak I’m enduring. I feel like I am at a withdrawal and that I am trying my best to cling to the closest thing to you. I do my best in forgetting things that remind me of you. Music. Tv shows. Things you like. But it is so difficult, most especially when we have shared many of those together. We have so many of the same interests, it’s hard to run away from them.

I wonder if you are feeling pain too. If behind this facade, you are alone in your room, listening to Boy Pablo and remembering all the music we shared together. How our relationship started with the same taste for tune and words. The music plays louder and louder and my heart cannot take it anymore.

idek

Dear Ben,

It ain’t new to me — feeling this lonely. Girl, don’t worry about me. If you’re ever unhappy, then maybe baby I must let you go.

The pain fills up the emptiness in my heart that you left only two weeks ago. Every day I wake up still leaning over to a phone I wish your name would light up on. The memories of our love still haunt me every single day. It watches right over my shoulder whenever I try to pick myself up, whenever I try to go out and enjoy myself in the company of others, whenever I do things I enjoy. It haunts me every time I pass a certain road, listen to a certain song, see a certain friend. It doesn’t help either when I sleep and then see you in my dreams. It is the worst. It is honestly so fucked up how embedded you are in my system. Some days are really good, but there are some days I feel like I am going backwards. The progress is inconsistent, and I just really want it to all be over.

I wish I had known it all along. It would have made things easier for me had I seen it coming. I wish there was a big sign on the road that pointed out you were going to leave me. I wish all my friends told me since the start. I wish our relationship wasn’t so happy in the beginning, so I’d have wanted out a lot sooner. I wish we didn’t share so much in common, so that maybe I’d be able to enjoy the things I do. I wish I didn’t give you so much control over my emotions, so that maybe I’d be able to go through a day pretty okay.

I congratulate myself over small achievements like not crying for the day, not mentioning you to my friends, and little efforts like those. I congratulate myself for being able to pick myself up in hard situations, for letting my friends be there for me.

Don’t get me wrong. Some days I don’t think of you at all. But on other days, it’s as if you just left me yesterday. Things were getting tough for the both of us, we were no longer happy. But I honestly didn’t believe that was enough reason to walk away and go different paths. You had your reasons, but I will never fully understand why you decided to leave. Maybe it was better for us. You will find someone easier, I will find someone who will want to work things out.

Just because I still want you, it does not mean I deserve you.

1979 – Smashing Pumpkins

things are not ok.

i dont know what to feel. things are good sometimes, then they come crashing down quickly. you let me go to sleep with a heavy heart, you leave me alone, you make me feel alone.

i dont really know if you are still trying to win me back because of what happened. i think you just think that buying me gifts will make it go away. you are forgetting that how i feel is an even bigger factor. i feel so heartbroken in a way.

sometimes i feel like being single might even be better for the both of us. i feel like i will be able to take care of myself and be happy on my own. with you i feel the constant need to be assured because of my trust issues.

you don’t chase me anymore. it’s just been 2 weeks since that happened.