3 months.

REX ORANGE COUNTY – BELLY (THE GRASS STAINS)

 I can’t believe this is happening again.

This is like the 3rd time I’ve screwed up. But I guess, this time, its worse.

I am hopeful that the 3 months are going to pass by quickly, all the more I know I will regain my parents’ trust back in no time. I just hope that they give me a second chance to make things right again.

I really have no words. I just feel so bad about everything.

I’m sorry, mom, dad, tita lisa.

I’m going to make this right. I’m going to learn from it and go back on the right track.

You will see Ben and I become better.

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finally home.

it’s 10:22 pm and i’m in front of my laptop with my alt rock playlist running in the background. here we go again with the same routine ive been doing for the past 4 years and counting.

i don’t know where to start.

check up.

college’s been a rollercoaster ride for me. many times, i find myself coming home past 8pm. home-cooked dinners turn into drive-thru’s at mcdonalds. block lunches turned into date lunches (with 1-3 blockmates).

acads have been heavy and org life is killing me! i study in school when i have the chance. right now, im close friends with gavin and chayee. bianca and danigar are occasional lunch dates but i feel that i dont feel as comfortable with them. there’s nothing wrong but i guess i just feel open with the former 2. i’m happy that the terms are clear between me and gavin. i wouldnt want any complications to occur. im happy that i have good friends and a reliable support system in school. actm has been really fun, most especially code. amp hasn’t really had much projects but i’m looking forward to settling in as the months go by.

ok it’s 9:41 am i just finished breakfast. fell asleep last night eh hahaha.

—-

ben has been making life easier for me. he always offers to do things for me, to drive me to places. i feel so taken care of. everything feels so meant to be and worth it with him. i really haven’t thought that way about anyone, but for him i’m willing to go through so much. i’m starting to think i’m falling in love with him, even though i know i don’t use that term loosely.

he makes me feel like a kid. being around him gives me so much strength. school has been draining, and it feels so nice to come home to someone who just gives you comfort and relaxation. talking to him doesn’t feel like a chore at all. it’s so fun, and if i could, i’d talk to him every moment of every day.

i think i’ll fall in love with him in no time. it’s not far from happening. i believe it’s really close. he really is the full package. he’s so caring, intelligent, understanding, supportive, (incredibly) handsome, interesting, unique, and so much more. i could go on about how i find his drive and passion immensely attractive… he’s just so attractive as a whole.

we fight sometimes. i believe it’s normal. things get difficult sometimes but then i choose to remember that these are the times that we’re just trying to get to know each other better. after all, we’ve only been seeing each other for a few months and we’re at the peak of our ~teen/adulthood~ where crazy shit happens (and, we’re in college too so there’s that) so everything is new and inexcusable and we can’t really apologize for all the stuff that’s going down… we all don’t know how to deal with certain things, especially since they’ve just been introduced into our lives. but to know that someone is willing to ride through the storm and feels just the same way as you do brings a whole lot of comfort.

ben is worth it. i will go through so much for him.

With Arms Wide Open

You’re at a party tonight so I’m finally having some me time. Not that I don’t want you around, but having you gone allows me to have time to step back and look at everything we’ve been through these past few months.

Throughout these months, a lot has changed. As the days go by, I’m trust you more and more. Back then, I used to be afraid of taking risks, especially on you (someone who has some kind of track record in previous relationships).

The more we spent time with each other, the more I got to know you. You started to grow on me. Right now, you mean so much to me. And I can only see that worth grow from this point on.

I feel like a kid with you, just laughing my heart away. I haven’t had this much fun in a while. You make me feel all sorts of new things. Somehow, my feelings for you are also changing the way I think and act (in a positive way). I become gayer too. HAHAHA gross.

I’m so tired today. I had such a long car ride home. Thank you for having late lunch (3pm?) with me. Your company means so much.

Shotgun

Ben.jpg

Cause I keep watching years just pass me by
When I’m feeling down shottie’s by my side
When I’m leaving town she sits shotgun in my ride
Never get caught when we break the law
Yeah she’s the best girl I ever saw
And we keep watching years just pass us by 

I’ve just gone home from a date with you again. It’s Monday so we both finish at 2pm. You fetched me from the JSEC drop off and we went to UPTC for lunch and merienda. I was feeling sad about the whole AIESEC interview thing, but then you cheered me up with your smile and some ice cream.

I feel so vulnerable when I’m with you. I feel like I’m just a kid. You make me feel all warm and cuddly on the inside, it’s amazing. I’m so amused with the way you take care of me and hold me. I feel in your arms is where I’m meant to be.

I feel so at home when I’m with you. Like all my worries just seem to go away. You are my comfort., my shelter, my safeguard. I really like you, Ben. You don’t know how much I do. I see myself loving you in a matter of no time. You are completely amazing and dynamic. You’re so unique.

You’re really one of a kind. I’m going to hate myself if I become stupid enough to lose you. I cannot afford to lose you. You are the only one in my heart and mind right now. You are full of surprises. Lol i cant even write nicely im so overwhelmed. Youre awesome ben and i will love you.

best i ever had

12:31pm sunday morning

we had a date in greenbelt before going to luca’s house for wings and drinks. my favorite part about yesterday was when we walked around the greenbelt park right after dinner, holding hands and all. i’ve always pictured this moment as such a perfect date idea. for some reason, i’ve always wanted to do this with someone.

in that moment, i felt like i was at the peak of my lifetime. i wanted to be stuck in that liminal space forever. as cliché as it sounds, i want to take that moment home and keep it with me.

you are so important to me. you are so handsome, caring, loving, funny, thoughtful, smart, wise, sensitive, and just the perfect mix of it all.

friday love

i dont even know where to start.

my heart has been filled with happiness and bliss all this time. time gets filled with your presence and smile, days get filled with your kisses and laughter.

i like you so much, ben.

i have never liked anyone this much.

you are so perfect and i see a future in us.

drives home with you make everything so much better. hugs feel so much warmer. kisses feel so much more tender. my heart feels much more.

you cloud up my thoughts every day.

laughing with you in your car, singing along to music and cursing at traffic makes everything worthwhile. i feel like i’m having the time of my life, with you. being next to you makes me feel jolts of happiness. your hand reaching out to mine makes my heart drop to my chest. every day that i see you, i become more and more attracted to you.

i love your hair, i love your eyes, i love the way you smile. i love your teeth, your lips, your nose, your entire face. i’m so attracted to you it’s starting to scare me. i have the biggest crush on you it’s so unreal.

i can’t believe you like me back. i can’t believe how sweet and kind you are to me — how much effort you put on me to win me over. i can’t believe how charming and dreamy you are. you’re everything i want in a guy… and more.

you mean so much to me and i wish to be there with you all the time. i want to catch you every time you fall just so i can help you back on your feet. i wish you happiness always and that you sleep with no worries.

i imagine a future with you. i think we can go all the way.

call me call me call me

oh my god. where the fuck do i start?

last night was something else. we all went to rosh’s party. fuck you’re so fucking perfect.

after a short jollibee date, we entered the car.

“so yeah, i kinda like you”

“Kinda”

“well yeah i like you, isnt it obvious though?”

“it was but i didnt want to assume”

“well yeah, i do, and yeah im willing to wait til like college or whatever. i just wanted you to know that”

“thank you for telling me, i appreciate it”

“it took a lot of guts to say that”

i didnt know what to say. if i said i liked you too, the doors wouldve been closed. i didnt feel any pressure to answer back or anything. you just wanted me to know. i know you arent the type to tell someone you like them if youre not guaranteed the feelings back. but you took that risk for me. i told you to wait for me because im still figuring my feelings out and tryna wait for after the first/first few months of college.

but my heart dropped, do know that. like wow he likes me?

the beginning of the night, it was just pure awkwardness at roshs. people had their own groups. you had yours, i had mine. we’d just throw looks at each other from time to time. or while i was talking to my friends, id look at you and vice versa.

on the ride home, we kissed under your jacket. i laid on your chest. we kissed again, made out, all that shit. you were so into it, i was too. i laid on your chest and closed my eyes and you whispered “im going to love you so much fuck” you started saying things like “im not even drunk right now you dont even know how much i like you”. you said you just wanted me to be happy and even if we dont end up together youll just be happy knowing that we’d have at least tried dating each other.

i just wanted to melt in my seat. when we got home, we played with djego (patty was w us) and then u stayed here for a while. when u were leaving, i dropped u by your car. i said thanks for today. you held my face and told me that you were starting to fall in love with me.

im still battling myself with how i feel but i know i will fall in love with you too. youre the right person, right now

A Letter about Ben, to Future Tin

Okay, I get it. You’re scared. You don’t want commitment because you think you’ll find someone better. But Tin, why don’t you just try it out?

Ben has always been understanding and mature enough to know that if things don’t work out, there is a reason enough to justify why they didn’t. You’re underestimating his ability to interpret your thoughts and hear you out.

But you know, at this point in time, as of July 27, 2017 8:13pm, he’s the best one out there. You’ll never be sure if there’s anyone better, which is why committing to someone will always be such a gamble. I know you keep reminding yourself that we’re just 18, too young to be sure of someone. This is your mind working against your heart now. What if your heart is just too sure of him already? Will you wait ’til you’re 25 and ready to try things out with him?

If that’s the case, you’ll never be sure of anyone. Tangina, edi magka boyfriend ka nalang pag 29 ka na. You’re going to miss out on so many good people in your entire life just because of that constant fear. But I get it still. You just don’t want to break someone’s heart. I guess, once again, you above everybody.

Do yourself a favor; gamble on Ben. Worth it naman siya, ‘di ba? He’s kind-hearted, caring, hard working, driven, handsome, sensitive and protective. He’s mature and very understanding. He’s a good listener. He’s shy at times, but that’s just the way he is. Isn’t it so cute, though? He’s introverted, but then once you get him to start talking, he’ll just go on and on (in a good way). He cares about you and is willing to take a chance on you.

It’s so cute when he’s so interested in what he’s talking about. It’s like his eyes light up and his smile looks a bit different. When he’s singing in the car, it’s the most precious sight ever. He looks so goofy, it’s almost like he’s doing it on purpose just to make you laugh. Always listen to the songs he sends, watch the videos he links you to. It’s just his little ways of getting you involved in his life, a simple way to view his world & his mind. Don’t ever take that for granted. You see, Ben is a very reserved person. He picks the people he deals with, very very well. Consider it an honor every time he opens up to you about how he feels, especially when it’s about something very sensitive. Ben is very eccentric. You’ll never completely be able to understand how his mind works. But then I think you’re perfectly ok in the background, listening to his little ramblings about the world. At certain times, be patient with him, sometimes he isn’t as sensitive as he wishes to be – but he’s trying. He isn’t good in expressing himself, but who is?

Another thing: Support him. Sometimes Ben just needs that extra push to get started. There are so many big ideas going on in his mind. At times, he might just need a critical viewer to give him comments on his next big thing. Don’t switch on him, he’s got big plans! Always believe in him and listen to what he says. I’m sure that if it matters to him, it matters to you too. Sometimes he feels like his ideas are stupid (well, we all think that about our own, anyways) so give him that extra boost!!!

Don’t you ever think about the first time you guys started talking? I don’t know if it was because you were being friendly, but then it’s almost as if your friendship with him just fell into place. Talking to him felt so natural, I guess. Everything went so smoothly after that. You guys had so much on common, little by little becoming immersed in each other’s worlds.

I feel like getting with him will feel like a second nature kind of choice. It’s almost instinctive to just hug him and kiss him, don’t you think so? So yeah, don’t be afraid. I think it will be nice, happy and easy when things work out with him. That is, if you give him a shot in making you happy.

PS ANG EFFORT NIYA HA!!!! QC TO MERVILLE THEN BACK TO PASIG, HABA NG HAIR MO. HE ATE WITH UR FAMILY PA DO U KNO HOW SCARY DAT IS CONSIDERING DI PA KAYO! TANGINA KUNG DI MO YAN PAPATULAN MALAY KO BA

boredom got a new best friend

9:36 pm

jeez. how do i even start? i don’t think i need to go through today anymore. i think i just wanna go through everything i’ve felt. this is the first time i’ve felt this blissful with someone so amazing. is God playing me right now?

life is so good with you around. dad just asked me if you like me and i said you’re starting to. then he told me not to turn you down and perhaps give you a chance. this was the first time he’s ever done that.

your lips are so soft and kissing them makes me feel like there’s a heaven on earth. i feel so blissful that it’s so fucking crazy. 

being with you makes me feel so elated. i’m always so excited to see you. it’s always so fun when you drive me around, when we tease each other at the mall, when you nudge and shove me playfully. 

i love your hugs and i love your presence so much. it makes everything so much better, i swear. today was just so full of happiness.

you’re such a goofball. you look so freaking stupid chugging down half a bowl of rice in your mouth. i kept laughing throughout the day because you kept making funny faces. you make me so happy. just being around you makes me feel so happy and light. 

we slow danced in my room. it was your idea. we played with djego and laid on the couch. you bought cheese rolls for my family. we kissed at stoplights (again).

i think i could love you. easily.