so much love

Without You – Maroon 5

I have been feeling so much love around me right now.

I can live without you, Ben. Happily. Just watch.

I’ve been working on myself so much recently and I am so proud of that. Maybe it was just right that we broke up. We have always had problems about expression. We used to go in circles about that before. And maybe that is why we are better off on our own paths. Now, I feel more concern and affection from my friends than I did with you. I’ve been so well taken care of that all my fears of never feeling affection/care or receiving attention are completely gone. I have people around me that ask if I’ve eaten, drive me home, treat me out, hang out with me whenever. Some even invite me still even when they know I’m busy/can’t go. I’ve been so wanted by others.

I was so worried thinking I wouldn’t be wanted or that I lost the sole person that would ever want to be by me. I forgot that my presence is a blessing to others and that I could instantly light up a room just by walking in. I forgot the rush of fulfillment I received whenever I’d achieve my personal goals and find the balance of busyness I used to have before. I forgot that I was lovable. That I was capable of more. That people enjoyed my company. I forgot who I was for a while. I forgot my value when I lost you.

People always obsess about the reasons. They don’t accept the ones handed to them, especially when it seems a lot simpler than they thought it would be. Because the heartbreak is painful, the reason must be equally painful, right? Truth be told, no reason will ever be as equally painful. No reason will ever suffice. I have given up in trying to find a reason you gave that would somehow equate to the heartbreak I received. I have given up on probing and turning over every rock trying to find answers for where it all went wrong just because I couldn’t accept the ones you gave me. I have come to peace with the situation and am finally starting to take in that things just didn’t work out between us. We are growing together, but towards different directions.

We have changed so much from the people we used to be before it all went down. Things were a lot simpler before, and when they got tough, you left. Maybe that is the only thing that you are good at doing. However, this was a blessing in disguise to me. I was able to test my lengths, love in a way I never had, and end up learning an invaluable lesson.

When I lost you, I got me back. Longer showers, sleeping earlier, staying up late but not for anyone/anything else (just me!), conversations with more people, time for my org and acads. Not that you really affected much of these when we were together before, but then I don’t know. It still changed drastically. When I lost you, the gap you left was just too big that I did just about anything to fill it in. I filled it in with the people who asked me how I was even though we aren’t that close (I actually answered them honestly). I filled it in with actually saying yes to going out (instead of staying at home and doing my own thing). I filled it in with exploring out of my comfort zone (by volunteering for that Code engagement even though I was loaded with other stuff to do). I filled it in with the little things that I didn’t really pay much attention to back then.

Having that gap affected me in such a way that I opened myself to other things that I used to be so closed towards. I let people in.

In the process of forgetting about you, I am remembering me. I am remembering how I can be a light to others, how I can impact the youth through empowerment, how I can reach my goals in my own ways. How I was and am something more than just someone who loved you.

Here’s to more days of self-love, care, and forgiveness. I forgive you for giving up on me, but most of all, I forgive myself for giving up on me.