When He Regrets Not Picking You

Sometimes I regret why I didn’t choose you.

You have a girlfriend now. Things didn’t work out between us back then because you were busy and I… I was too busy falling in love with the thought of somebody else. A while passed after that, we stopped talking for a while. I’ve moved on from my previous thoughts and decided I wanted to focus on other things. I’ve developed a crush on someone, but it’s nothing more than that. You & I recently talked again and I told you about this new guy. You told me that he was lucky, that if he doesn’t like me, it’s his loss. I asked you about your new girlfriend. I was surprised you had one, but not too much because I knew you were such a charming guy that any girl would fall for your looks and personality combined. We kept talking about this guy, and of course, I, being the unsure and insecure girl I am, went off feeling as if this new guy was definitely out of my league. He was smart, handsome, charming, anything a girl would be looking for.

You told me to go and try to chase him. Try to become close and maybe later on, develop something between us. You were right, that I should go give him a chance. Then you started telling me about how amazing of a girl I am, so why wouldn’t he like me, right? And right then and there, you told me that you regret not picking me.

What should I do? I stopped for a while and thought about it. I smiled. Is he serious? Am I that pretty, kind, and funny? Am I that great of a girl? I thought. You wished me luck with this guy, and I wished you luck with your girlfriend. At the end of the day, you got me laying on the bed, staring at the ceiling thinking…

I guess I regret not picking you either.

Retreat Letter

Dear Jamie,

I don’t usually write long retreat letters. Well, I don’t usually write retreat letters at all. Kaya dapat ma-flatter ka kasi sinisipagan ako ngayon magsulat nito. I know a retreat letter contains stuff about inspiring and motivating the person it’s written for. So I’ll try my best to sound inspiring and motivating.

James, you’re a dick. Don’t deny it, you really are. You take so long to reply, you usually sound so disoriented or uninterested. You talk about yourself most of the time. You are conceited, you are mayabang!!! You are short tempered and impatient. And above all, you are very childish. But James, although you are a dick, you are also a kind hearted person.You sound disoriented or uninterested, but it’s just because of your choice of words. You talk about yourself most of the time, but you know when to shut up and listen. You may seem like you’re full of pride, but you are a very down to earth guy. You are short tempered and impatient, but you are generous and genuine. And above all, you are very childish but you are never immature. 

I am able to say all this because of the words you were telling me yesterday. The way I see you was affected by that. I don’t know why, but you never really opened up to me. Maybe it’s because you were shy, or you didn’t want me to know you well (because you didn’t want things to escalate). You didn’t want to tell me personal things… for God knows what reason. But I also want you to know that I will never judge you, nor will I think you are a bad guy. I want you to be able to speak your mind, to be comfortable with me, because I am slowly opening up to you as well.

You don’t need to keep your guard up, you don’t need to build up your walls when it comes to me because I know how and will crumble ’em down and get to you.

I want you to know that you are a man of determination and perseverance. You can conquer any obstacle if you set your mind to it. I know you will do great in UST. I know you will do amazing in basketball. I know you will find a better set of friends (since you keep telling me how much they suck being “friends”). I know you will go far. Just keep yourself focused on the goal, and keep going for it.

Never forget that God is with you while you go on this journey. Most of the time, we think the destination is the main goal, but it’s the experiences and the values you learn from the journey that make you who you are. You are never alone. You have a great family, people that love you, and your fans (duh). I just want you to know your life is full of blessings, and if you don’t see that, I do.

I guess this is getting too emotional… and too long. Tama na. I hope you enjoy your retreat. Discover more about yourself, your friends, your family, and God. Develop a deeper understanding towards things so that it can make you a better and stronger person. And remember, I gotchu!

Tin

Hi Self,

Just checking up on you. Writing this because maybe it’s the weather, maybe it’s the emo music in the background, maybe it’s my gushing feelings, or maybe it’s because I’m all alone.

J just went to bed. Wait, sinong J? Andami nila. Uhh, James. Yeah, James just went to bed after having the longest convo with me about feelings. Apparently, this is what happened:

“I couldn’t even impress you with my corny sweet jokes, right? You’re that type of girl who would rather stay who she is than change who she is just so she could impress someone. You’re like that, right? So if he doesn’t like you, so what, right? But it’s obvious he does. Nothing’s wrong with trying, right? At least. Who knows? What if in the near future you guys get together? Maybe you guys have something in common that both of you don’t know yet. You’re a great girl, seriously. I regret why I didn’t choose you. You’re smart, you’re nice, you’re pretty, you know how to dress up. And if someone treats you like you’re nothing, just show them what I see in you. And make them regret, make them suffer. I’m serious. I wanted to be super close friends with you, too bad it’s too late. I just guess you had someone at that time, or you liked someone or something. And not being close to you just cause I was busy, that isn’t okay with me. I can imagine ourselves so close months from now. We have these instax pictures, these cute webcam pics and then almost everyday we would chill because we’re just so close to each other. Ha! That’s sweet. If we act like bestfriends, that’s what we are. No more, no less, right? Makes sense? I’m not tricking you into something. I’m saying that we have something in common. I can feel it, but I just can’t determine what it is.”

How do you even react to something like this? I mean, I have no words – well my heart can’t think of any at the moment – to say! Hay, pag-iisipan ko muna ‘to. Well, do I even need to say anything?

Long time

It’s been a long time since I’ve written. Not to anyone, just in general. A little check up on my emotional state, on my fragile self. Sometimes I do forget that I am fragile. I think I am strong, well loved, and am rooted on a strong foundation.

Today is #HappyNationalExDay apparently and I almost messaged Bopi asking how she is. I’m so glad I didn’t. For some reason, pride/ego still just gets in the way of me trying to live my life. Well, thinking about it again, it won’t really make a difference if I do know how she is.

Hay, I just don’t know anymore. Earlier LJL just told me he loves me as a friend, then recalled the message (and he thinks I didn’t see it). Although he did state that it was as friends, he also said he was serious. Which I didn’t seem to understand. He told me before that he didn’t want to be “engaged” in anything or “fired up”, if I do know what that means.

My friends (and some of his friends too) think he likes me. But then again, it’s so hard to reject someone especially if they’re not really the type that would likely get rejected. I don’t think he’ll take it in a good way, that’s all.

Ugh, whatever. I’m going to bed.