You didn’t deserve me

I think I have finally realized this night that you did not deserve me.

No, this is not some post about self-glorification.

You didn’t deserve me because of the way I treated you. I talked to someone else until late night without realizing you’d feel bad about that. I treated you in a way that I felt your reasons for being jealous were invalid.

I’m sure if I’d have been placed in your shoes, I would have handled things a lot worse. I would be jealous, wonder what you were talking about, if you were talking at that time, and a lot more. I’d want me to be the only person you were talking to.

Fuck Idk what’s wrong w me

I’m sorry Jm

 

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A New Chapter

Chamber of Reflection. Mac Demarco. 12:47 AM. Thursday night.

So yeah. I ended things with Jm. I’ve known the guy for a year and a half, and liked him for a more than a year already. But I still don’t love him. Isn’t that supposed to say something about it?

Of course I feel selfish. But it doesn’t mean I didn’t give us a try. I had a hard time working with the relationship we had. I felt like it was too serious and that he was too fixated on being my boyfriend, seeing me often, having high expectations and all that. It was just too difficult to work with. I asked for my time, he couldn’t even give it to me. I understand he was just trying to work with what he had, fight for me and all, but I really felt disrespected when he went beyond that line of personal space.

I don’t want to discuss this anymore, since future Tin would understand that I had to do what I did. Maybe in the future, it would have been the wrong decision, but right now, in this moment, it is the right one.

I feel like college has so much in store for me and that no one should stop me from reaching my full potential of growing. I want to enter college single, without having to worry about someone in the background shoving down resentment for the decisions I’ll be making. I don’t want to worry about cutting my friendships with other people for the sake of someone else to be comfortable. The only people who should have influence on my decision are my family, best friends, and I.

To be honest, I felt like Jm was becoming a hindrance to my growth. I felt the control, even though he was trying his best not to. I guess my tolerance for control is simply… low. Can’t it just be that we don’t see eye to eye anymore? Why does it have to be that it’s me who isn’t trying? I never wanted a relationship in the first place, anyway. And I told him that.

For the First Time. Mac Demarco. 12:59 AM.

Ben Santos is actually really attractive. Well, I’ve known this for quite some time already. I was just ashamed to admit it, I guess. HAHAHA. Yeah, he has a lot of appeal. But I’m just scared of him. I saw how he left Max and that he said he just… ran out of love? I think it’s gonna be risky to be with him. Like I’ll have to keep making myself interesting just so he won’t get tired of me. I get so intimidated talking to him. I feel so stupid. But I know he won’t judge me naman. Still.

I know he can have any girl he wants. Which makes me kinda scared too. Am I really what he wants or is he just lonely? Whatever the answer to that is… I’m still going to wait ’til midway of college. If we decide to get together, I want us both to be sure.

But what I do know is… he is someone I can be proud of. I know this is a shallow statement, but I really can be proud of his looks and his accomplishments. If I get with him, I’d be so lucky to have such an intelligent and good looking guy. He’s really sweet, to be honest. But I guess for now, this is all words until he figures out how to prove it. He’s never had anyone to chase before because it was just easy for him (girls fell into his lap everywhere he went). I don’t want to be easy. Fuck, I wanna be chased.

Well, let’s see where it goes. For now, papaasahin muna kita. I think I’ll eventually like you rin naman eh.

Unless, you know… magustuhan ako ni Timmy Albert. HAHAAHAH kidding.

An Open Letter to the Man I Will Love,

It’s 12:25 am, you’re fast asleep getting some rest for school tomorrow. I’m here on my bed with a box of love letters opened next to me. Love letters not from you, but all my past lovers.

I know it seems odd. Me reading letters from people that I used to love, people who used to love me. But one thing I have learned is… all these people have brought me to realize what I like and what I don’t in a person.

Taking all the feelings with me after reading a lot of the same words that have brought me to tears in the past, I come to write a letter to you.

I know I will love you. Not right now, but one day I will. I will take care of you and put you inside my heart where you will be safe from all worries and protected by me. I will fall in love with you again and again every single day. I will feel comfort at the sound of you calling out my name. I will walk miles for you, search rooms for you, cross oceans for you. I just know it. I will not be able to strike a hit or let you sleep with your heart on your sleeve. I will make sure you get the happiness you deserve, I will make sure you are loved in the greatest way anyone can ever love another.

I will take all the love I have given all the people in the past, I will take it all but I will not give it back to you. You do not deserve that. You are a new love, a strong love. And you deserve nothing but that.

I found you

Ever since time has ever known, Mimi was the standard. After comes Bopi, of course. Even though Nic was a wonderful lover, we never got along just as Mimi and I did. It was different to love a guy. But there were certain attributes I was looking for that only Mimi had.

Fast forward to UPCAT day. I walk out the testing center and see a guy in an aqua polo, wearing Raybans. He smiles as he sees me. We walk to his car, he clicks the keys, we sing and laugh along the ride.

Extremely generous, inspirational, encouraging and kind-hearted. I didn’t think I’d find someone as funny as you. We always have the same thoughts and (most of the time) decisions on important situations. Good looking and always hitting the gym… how can I not fall?

I’m taking things slow. I know that he’s my new level up. He’s the one who’s going to raise the bar. We haven’t even started yet, but I already know it.

I don’t want to apologize for the things I cannot give

I don’t want to be apologetic for the things I am not, for the things I don’t have, for the things I cannot give. I don’t want to be apologetic for these things simply because you knew what I was and what I am able to give long before you entered this thing. You knew the terms and agreements and signed the contract once you sealed the deal by telling me, “I like you”.

Why is it that when I cannot give you the time you ask for, I apologize? When in reality, this time you ask for, is being spent on my family, academics, and most importantly, time for myself. I do want to spend time with you, but I want to spend more time on myself. Fixing me, reflecting on me, listening to me. There are a lot of things going on and so many aspects to pay attention to that it’s really difficult to maintain a romantic relationship (because you have to keep seeing each other at a constant rate).

Time is always the problem in relationships. Time to see each other, time to call, time to talk… etc. Honestly, it’s so difficult. This is why I enjoy being single in the first place. No person to attend to. (Not that I feel obliged towards you. Trust me, I really do want to see you.) But I want to see myself too. I have other priorities too. I have so little time, but so many responsibilities.

Mag-aaral na talaga ako

It’s September already. Last time I made a post was back in July. Jeez, it’s been that long? I haven’t really had the motive to write and do a life check. Hadn’t really had anything to write about since life’s going the way I expected it to.

CETs are right around the corner. CETember nga naman. Speaking of which, I haven’t studied for it this weekend pa. This Sunday is the UPCAT. Well, wala naman pasok bukas kaya bukas nalang ako mag-aaral.

I just want to talk about how life feels so good lately. Had our class retreat last Thurs-Fri, Sept  8-9. Just got home from Pico de Loro a few hours ago. The retreat opened up my eyes to see how many people saw me as inspirational, fun, a mood changer, kind and loving, and all the nice things you could think of.

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Times Like This

It’s quarter to eight. You’re out with your friends having dinner, celebrating Jac’s birthday in advance (it’s his birthday tomorrow). I’m listening to some Lady Antebellum, duh, Need You Now, the ultimate classic. I’ve got no homework or things I have to do for school, so I decided to hit up WordPress.

I don’t really know what to write. I usually write when I want to reflect about how life has been lately. I don’t really want to write about a person, especially since I got older and realized I wanted to write more about myself and my experiences.

Tintoy just got his new aircon installed and I’m finally not going to sleep in the same room as him, after 14 years! I’m going to miss my real partner in life. I just realized how much he’s a baby and how big this milestone actually is in our lives. It’s the start of an everlasting separation (naks ang emo naman).

I like our pace, to be honest. We’re going so slow – and to me, that’s a good thing. I like going slow because of course I respect my parents and my priorities as well. I think it’s good to go slow so I can know more about you before risking it all. And I’m glad you feel and think the same way, I guess.

I feel kind of bad that I asked for permission from Dad to attend Nina’s birthday dinner on Saturday (after the LTS), and he answered “Let me think about it”. Even though Tintoy and I are completely sure he will allow me, it still makes me feel bad that he has to say that line. Have I done anything to make him think otherwise? Have I done anything recently that would make him think twice about allowing me to go out? I seldom go out and always try to do my best. He even knows my intentions with Jm. Moments like these are actually the times I wish they shouldn’t of have known that I like him and he likes me. Because going out will be given meaning (e.g. date, going out, etc) when in reality, it’s just a casual gala with my friends, that happen once or twice (at most) a month only.

Now I’m playing Lessons Learned by Carrie Underwood. It’s my first time listening to it but it gives me the Colbie Calliat / Kelly Clarkson feel hahahaha.

College exams are coming to a close. September! I’m going to start seeing my tutor for math this August. Let’s see how it goes.

Here are my courses for the following schools:

UPD             BS Business Admin               BA Sociology

BA Comm Research              BS Psychology

UPLB          BA Comm Arts                        BS Dev’t Comm

BA Sociology                           BS Econ

ADMU        BS Management Comm Technology Mgt

AB Comm                                 BS Mgt

AB Interdisciplinary Studies in Comm & Mgt

DLSU          BS Marketing Mgt                  BS Adv Mgt

AB major in Comm Arts & BS in Applied Corp Mgt

UST             BA major in Marketing Mgt     BA Advertising

Those are the schools I have applied to so far. CSB will release their app forms around the start of August. Goodluck to me! 🙂

UPDATE (Sept 11): Dad did allow me to go on that thing ALSO he allowed me to go out with friends to the mall (but it didn’t push through cos everyone had to study for CETs). He knows I’m getting older, and I guess we’re all just new to this. Of course he’s having a hard time adjusting to being more lenient towards me (imagine, I’m already of legal age next year) and all that. I’ll be patient with him, though. I love my dad and he knows what’s best for me.

Temporary

I feel so selfish for thinking this. Is this my way of patching things up, for healing myself?

I cannot think of the distant future with the same people I am with. I know, sounds crazy. I can’t imagine a future with Jm, or anyone in particular. Is it the way he is? The way I am? The way things are? Maybe it’s because I don’t really want to have any commitment. Maybe it’s because I don’t want to be tied down. I don’t really see myself in a relationship just yet. I can’t.

I feel like I don’t want to settle down. I don’t want to stop growing. I don’t want to devote my time and effort on one person alone. I want to do all I want in life without anyone there first.

Maybe you are the right person, but you came at the wrong timing.

A response to my June 2016 self, written by my September 2016 self.

Funny how time, 3 months to be exact, can change so many things. Through the time we’ve been together, Jm has been really convincing with the fact that a relationship could be what’s best for us. He’s gradually earning my trust and proving himself to be worth the pain and freedom. To be honest, he’s never held me down nor told me what to do. So I don’t really feel strangled or constrained from doing the things I want to. He’s very supportive, actually (so as long as it benefits me). He allows me to live my life, give me time for myself to do the things I want, hang out with the people that matter to me, go to the places I wish to go to. And to me, that’s such a big deal. He is so mature about so many things, I wish I could be like him. So yes, I think I want to settle down- with him. He is so sweet and continues to make me grow. I think he is the right person to be with because he continually makes me the better version of myself (without me even knowing). I don’t devote all my time and effort on him, but still make it a point to ask him about his day because I am genuinely interested and concerned about him. I don’t feel tied down with him. I feel like myself, able to do the things I can, wishing I can do more. He makes me believe I can do more.

I like you a lot.

It must be noticed that there is something about the way you make me laugh ’til my stomach hurts. You make my cheeks ache of smiling so frequently. I have never been more proud of a person until I met you. Yes, I avoid being cheesy and talking about love all the time with my friends. But there are certain people I talk to about you, and I can’t help but tell them about all your achievements, where you’re headed to and what you have in store for you.

There is something about the way you are around me. So real. No masks, no fake attitude, no ass-kissing. You & I get so well together – naturally. Which is why I like you so much. We fit in together, we work well with each other. I see so much of me in you. I see so much of a great leader, a selfless follower, and a great friend you are.

There is something about the way you are. Having a kind heart, down to earth personality, and an over-achiever mindset, I can’t help but say I might fall in love with you. And I am not afraid to do so.

I like you a lot. I really do. There’s no stopping there. I hope as the days go by, I get to know you more and like you even deeper. Only time can tell where this is headed. So for now, #GVGVLang