things have been so different

Fine Again – Seether

I’m four months into college. Honestly, this first semester has been such a roller coaster ride for me. Things were fine the first 2-3 months. My grades were okay, Ben and I were going out, my social life was at its peak. But then it all came crashing down mid October when I get caught. Honestly, it was such a great start for me. Everything was so easy. Then, when I was able to settle in, I got too comfortable and screwed up.

Talking with high school friends, things have changed so much. Everyone’s talking about sex like it’s just nothing. My lesbian friends now have boyfriends. People are breaking up and getting with others. Cheating is almost understandable (joke not really but sometimes we just understand it happens, we’re young).

My grades are flunking. Actually, just for chem. For all my other subjects, I have good grades. My mental health is at a low. My relationships are failing. Ever since I was grounded, there’s not really much to talk about with my parents. I usually tell them about my friends or just talk about Ben with them. But then now that’s gone, I don’t really know what to say. So much has changed. I love being away from the house, hanging out with my friends or just chilling at my cousin’s. I find myself being awfully quiet around them, too.

My social life has been quiet, especially since I’m grounded. I don’t really hang out with people in school except for Gavin or Chayee. I still find it kind of awkward if I hang out with anyone else one-on-one. I’m so happy I have this kind of friendship with Gavin. Things aren’t weird and we can tell each other anything under the sun without any judgement. I think that’s healthy. I think I need that with someone esp now that I’m in college. I know that we have a good friendship. Gavin is a really good guy and I know I will grow closer to him in time. This is good, though. I need a support system.

Most of the time, I feel like my company isn’t really enjoyed. People don’t really invite me to things. I feel so lonely. But that’s okay. I’m just really sensitive now, and I guess it would help if Ben was just a little bit more vocal about things. I’m worried that one day it might take a toll on me. I constantly feel like he can’t pick up on things (which is true, he’s not that observant). Sometimes I feel like I mistook the grass being greener on the other side. But I know that’s not the case.

Sometimes I miss Jm, mostly because of the familiarity. He knew right away if something was wrong. And he knew exactly how to fix it. He always had the initiative and motivation to make things okay and to make sure I never slept with a heavy heart. He knew when I was being coy, and when I also wanted my own space. He knew what it means when I suddenly space out during a call. He reminds me to eat, and all these other things. I used to talk to him about my favorite tv series and talk about the characters like they were real people and he would really listen to me and remember all the little things. He used to learn my favorite OPM songs and play them over the phone for me.

Sometimes I feel like I like Ben more than he likes me. And I know that’s supposed to be okay but I still want to be really wanted by him, esp knowing someone else wants me just as much (Jm). I feel like Ben’s so kampante. He doesn’t pay for our dates but he spends so much on his friends. I know I can’t really control where he spends his money but all the time it’s just been me paying for things. I know I’m the one who volunteers it, ofc I want to spoil him too but then now I just feel like I’m not worth it. I think there should just be a balance, I guess. Idek what I’m talking about. I can’t even justify my own feelings.

I just hope he appreciates what I do for him. Like, he doesn’t even need to do these back. All he needs to do is just let me know he appreciates me, I guess.

I stayed up for him last night and it felt so different. Jm would step aside and call me to say good night. For Ben, a text was just enough. And I know it’s bad to compare, but honestly, you just can’t help but do it. I feel like I’m being so selfish and unfair. I know I should be giving him a chance, and that’s what I’ve been doing but sometimes I feel shortchanged for the decision I made. Ben is a great guy but now I am worrying if our love language deficiency will get in between the two of us.

I just want him to be happy. I want to stop being so sensitive and emotional. I want to stop asking him of these things. I just want him to give what he can, and for that to be enough.

Tensionado by Soapdish has never been so meaningful to me until now.

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You didn’t deserve me

I think I have finally realized this night that you did not deserve me.

No, this is not some post about self-glorification.

You didn’t deserve me because of the way I treated you. I talked to someone else until late night without realizing you’d feel bad about that. I treated you in a way that I felt your reasons for being jealous were invalid.

I’m sure if I’d have been placed in your shoes, I would have handled things a lot worse. I would be jealous, wonder what you were talking about, if you were talking at that time, and a lot more. I’d want me to be the only person you were talking to.

Fuck Idk what’s wrong w me

I’m sorry Jm

 

A New Chapter

Chamber of Reflection. Mac Demarco. 12:47 AM. Thursday night.

So yeah. I ended things with Jm. I’ve known the guy for a year and a half, and liked him for a more than a year already. But I still don’t love him. Isn’t that supposed to say something about it?

Of course I feel selfish. But it doesn’t mean I didn’t give us a try. I had a hard time working with the relationship we had. I felt like it was too serious and that he was too fixated on being my boyfriend, seeing me often, having high expectations and all that. It was just too difficult to work with. I asked for my time, he couldn’t even give it to me. I understand he was just trying to work with what he had, fight for me and all, but I really felt disrespected when he went beyond that line of personal space.

I don’t want to discuss this anymore, since future Tin would understand that I had to do what I did. Maybe in the future, it would have been the wrong decision, but right now, in this moment, it is the right one.

I feel like college has so much in store for me and that no one should stop me from reaching my full potential of growing. I want to enter college single, without having to worry about someone in the background shoving down resentment for the decisions I’ll be making. I don’t want to worry about cutting my friendships with other people for the sake of someone else to be comfortable. The only people who should have influence on my decision are my family, best friends, and I.

To be honest, I felt like Jm was becoming a hindrance to my growth. I felt the control, even though he was trying his best not to. I guess my tolerance for control is simply… low. Can’t it just be that we don’t see eye to eye anymore? Why does it have to be that it’s me who isn’t trying? I never wanted a relationship in the first place, anyway. And I told him that.

For the First Time. Mac Demarco. 12:59 AM.

Ben Santos is actually really attractive. Well, I’ve known this for quite some time already. I was just ashamed to admit it, I guess. HAHAHA. Yeah, he has a lot of appeal. But I’m just scared of him. I saw how he left Max and that he said he just… ran out of love? I think it’s gonna be risky to be with him. Like I’ll have to keep making myself interesting just so he won’t get tired of me. I get so intimidated talking to him. I feel so stupid. But I know he won’t judge me naman. Still.

I know he can have any girl he wants. Which makes me kinda scared too. Am I really what he wants or is he just lonely? Whatever the answer to that is… I’m still going to wait ’til midway of college. If we decide to get together, I want us both to be sure.

But what I do know is… he is someone I can be proud of. I know this is a shallow statement, but I really can be proud of his looks and his accomplishments. If I get with him, I’d be so lucky to have such an intelligent and good looking guy. He’s really sweet, to be honest. But I guess for now, this is all words until he figures out how to prove it. He’s never had anyone to chase before because it was just easy for him (girls fell into his lap everywhere he went). I don’t want to be easy. Fuck, I wanna be chased.

Well, let’s see where it goes. For now, papaasahin muna kita. I think I’ll eventually like you rin naman eh.

Unless, you know… magustuhan ako ni Timmy Albert. HAHAAHAH kidding.

An Open Letter to the Man I Will Love,

It’s 12:25 am, you’re fast asleep getting some rest for school tomorrow. I’m here on my bed with a box of love letters opened next to me. Love letters not from you, but all my past lovers.

I know it seems odd. Me reading letters from people that I used to love, people who used to love me. But one thing I have learned is… all these people have brought me to realize what I like and what I don’t in a person.

Taking all the feelings with me after reading a lot of the same words that have brought me to tears in the past, I come to write a letter to you.

I know I will love you. Not right now, but one day I will. I will take care of you and put you inside my heart where you will be safe from all worries and protected by me. I will fall in love with you again and again every single day. I will feel comfort at the sound of you calling out my name. I will walk miles for you, search rooms for you, cross oceans for you. I just know it. I will not be able to strike a hit or let you sleep with your heart on your sleeve. I will make sure you get the happiness you deserve, I will make sure you are loved in the greatest way anyone can ever love another.

I will take all the love I have given all the people in the past, I will take it all but I will not give it back to you. You do not deserve that. You are a new love, a strong love. And you deserve nothing but that.

I found you

Ever since time has ever known, Mimi was the standard. After comes Bopi, of course. Even though Nic was a wonderful lover, we never got along just as Mimi and I did. It was different to love a guy. But there were certain attributes I was looking for that only Mimi had.

Fast forward to UPCAT day. I walk out the testing center and see a guy in an aqua polo, wearing Raybans. He smiles as he sees me. We walk to his car, he clicks the keys, we sing and laugh along the ride.

Extremely generous, inspirational, encouraging and kind-hearted. I didn’t think I’d find someone as funny as you. We always have the same thoughts and (most of the time) decisions on important situations. Good looking and always hitting the gym… how can I not fall?

I’m taking things slow. I know that he’s my new level up. He’s the one who’s going to raise the bar. We haven’t even started yet, but I already know it.

I don’t want to apologize for the things I cannot give

I don’t want to be apologetic for the things I am not, for the things I don’t have, for the things I cannot give. I don’t want to be apologetic for these things simply because you knew what I was and what I am able to give long before you entered this thing. You knew the terms and agreements and signed the contract once you sealed the deal by telling me, “I like you”.

Why is it that when I cannot give you the time you ask for, I apologize? When in reality, this time you ask for, is being spent on my family, academics, and most importantly, time for myself. I do want to spend time with you, but I want to spend more time on myself. Fixing me, reflecting on me, listening to me. There are a lot of things going on and so many aspects to pay attention to that it’s really difficult to maintain a romantic relationship (because you have to keep seeing each other at a constant rate).

Time is always the problem in relationships. Time to see each other, time to call, time to talk… etc. Honestly, it’s so difficult. This is why I enjoy being single in the first place. No person to attend to. (Not that I feel obliged towards you. Trust me, I really do want to see you.) But I want to see myself too. I have other priorities too. I have so little time, but so many responsibilities.