What the hell

It’s already mid-November, why am I still wishing you’d show up on my door step, arms wide open, asking me if you could take me out?

Jesus, just when I thought I was finally over you. I guess I was wrong. Last Monday, riding home from Mom’s place, Joel decided to drive by New York St. since the road humps there were lesser compared to Amsterdam’s. I figured you’d be there – and when I saw your car parked, I was right.

I looked into the entrance of the store, and there you were – in between the doorway, facing my way, almost as if you were fixing your gaze to the window, it was almost as if behind the tinted window, you saw my eyes – the same eyes that have lusted for you for so long.

I ignored the fact that you were there, for I didn’t bother to pass by or drive my bike to where you were. I was too full of myself and repeated in my head that when we see each other, it should not be intended – to see if the signs really lead to you & I, if things are meant to be.

So I let them.

The afternoon came and Tita Lisa and Tintoy asked me if I wanted to join them watch Jacob’s basketball came (he was playing for Merville). At first, I wanted to go. But then since I was eager on finishing Forbidden by Tabitha Suzuma and agreed with myself to bike when the sun set, I declined the offer. 5 pm came; I was finished with the book and had no motivation whatsoever to bike. No one was home, no one could join me. So I just indulged in some Facebook videos.

Around 6 pm, Tita Lisa messaged me on Viber. “You should have came,” the first message read – and I already knew what was to follow, “Your boy is playing for Merville, next game!” Jesus! Second time in a row. I’m beginning to think it’s fate’s way of telling me that maybe we really aren’t meant for each other. But a tiny voice in my heart is telling me this is just a tease for something – at this point, anything really.

Today, it is a Thursday. I have just arrived from La Union (not to mention, a 5/6 hour car ride home) at around noon, and Jake had a game this afternoon. The day before, I was already conversing with Car regarding my action plan for the game. And I decided to go this time.

5:00 pm. The game started. No sight of the Juniors Division Merville basketball team just yet, but I’m guessing you would come when Jake’s game is about to finish. 4th quarter, you have still not arrived.

Your game was already starting, and my heart was already wishing that in any minute now, you would barge in the door with your neon yellow colored jersey and a dufflebag hanging by your shoulders. Your game was already starting, and I could hear the pieces of my heart that is now shattering, wishing that as I exit that door, I bump into you as you greet me with a subtle smile. Your game was already starting, and I was there, in the bleachers, more than excited to cheer you on for the first few minutes of your game. Your game was already starting, and you did not arrive.

 

Macy Gray

I believe that fate has brought us here

And we should be together, babe,

But we’re not

I try to say goodbye and I choke

3 and a half months ago, it was first a crush. 3 months and a half later, I find myself listening to “I Try” by Macy Gray and wallowing in the thought of you in her arms.

Why her?

I don’t know what it is about you that keeps me coming back to your page, your photo, and my incessant rambling about you.

Why you?

Try to walk away and I stumble

Well, because of my being upset, of course I’d say you’re just a basic and shallow surfaced guy. Basketball, Lasallian, tall and handsome. But is that all? I guess I could say you’re a comedian, mature but immature, and passionate. But is that all?

What has gotten into me, what did you do to get me into this spiral of emotions?

Though I try to hide it, it’s clear

What is it about her that caught you? Was I not interesting, funny, pretty enough for you? Was I not smart, mature and wise enough for you? Well, I guess maybe not. I guess that’s why you chose her.

Although I know what Roms said was completely true, that people have different types, it just sucks that I’m not yours. Because you definitely are mine.

Well, I assume you are.

My world crumbles when you are not near

What Was I Thinking

What was I thinking putting up these bets with other people, saying that by October, I would’ve stolen your heart? What was I thinking when I told my friends I was going to crack your walls? Or at least, figure out how to be friends with you… What was I thinking, figuring out these ‘signs’, when clearly, there weren’t any?

Who am I for you to fall for me? You study in La Salle. There’s a shit load of pretty, smart, and interesting college girls there for you to fall head over heels with. Who am I to catch your attention? Who am I to say I have a chance with someone like you?

I should’ve warned myself in the beginning. I knew this wasn’t going to be easy. I knew you were a tough shell to crack. I knew you were a challenge. And I also knew that I would be able to get you to be mine.

Not everything you know is right.

Well, this is me pushing you away. This is me shoving my feelings under the rug. This is me shielding myself from the pain that’s about to come. This is me watching out for my heart.

Ang bobo ko naman para mag-isip na may mangyayari sa atin.

Why

For some reason, I find myself constantly thinking about you.

I talk about you 70% of the time, daydream about you in the remaining 30%. I don’t know you thoroughly, and we haven’t even had a decent conversation in person yet so I don’t really know why I’m so hooked up on you – like there’s no end. I only have an idea of you, and I feel so in love with it. I know soon reality will come to face me eye to eye and maybe some expectations of you won’t be met, but that is ok. What boggles me though, is how come I am so hung up on you? I have never thought about a crush this long. I mean, compared to M — maybe I have. But then I knew M really well, and we always spoke and saw each other. But in you & I’s case, we haven’t. Which is so weird. We don’t have interaction as much, but the effect you have on me is just the same as M’s… or even more, in this matter.

What is it about you? Is it because I find you handsome? Charismatic? Funny? Chill? Is it because you’re giving me such a hard time in analyzing the signs (if there are signs in the first place)? Is it because you’re such a challenge that I want to win you over already? Is it because you’re difficult? Is it because you’re leaving me for wanting more? I guess. Maybe.

I don’t know why, but I keep having stupid daydreams.

It’s 6 am. You pick me up from my house, drive me to school. On the way there, we blast out hip hop music and start rapping out the lyrics. Laughing, smiling. I take videos of us and you make such funny faces. We’re so goofy together. We make out, smile. You wish me a great day. You drop me off, you drive to school.

Writing is beautiful. Because if things don’t work out in reality, at least it does in retrospect.

What The Fuck?

Okay, well, we’ve been talking for quite some time again. And you’ve been saying some pretty different kind of stuff. We were talking about the pimple on your nose. Hahaha. Which I think is such a cute topic because it must mean that you’re comfortable enough with me to talk about that topic.

But then you said weirder stuff (like how you could fill an entire oil control film in the afternoon and turn it clear). I know that isn’t true because I’ve seen you multiple times… your skin isn’t the oily type. And I’m not sure whether or not at this point if you’re joking around with me or you’re really serious.

Because you could be with your friends at that time, and they could be saying, “Say something stupid and if she responds nicely, this girl is patay na patay para sayo.” Because of that theory, I was caught in a rut trying to figure out what to say. Well, being the one that likes you, it’s so hard to say something that won’t completely alter what you think of me.

I know you won’t trick me because you know dad and he knows you — and of course, you wouldn’t want to get in trouble. But at the same time, you’re also just a teen and I know I look stupid already chasing you subconsciously (ok, maybe consciously) but I just won’t stop. Well, why should I?

It all boils down to this… If you laugh at me for liking you, so be it. If your friends make fun of me for being all kind and caring and interested towards you, so be it. Because if this is all true, at least someone actually liked you even if your personality was shit after all.

Your loss.

Hi. Please like me too.

We’ve been talking a lot. Since Wednesday night, to be exact. It’s Saturday evening and we have a conversation on going (although you haven’t replied in like 1 1/2 hours already). Anyway, last night I had a real talk with Dad & Tita Lisa and we talked about you & N… and gosh, could I just say that I’ve learned so much? Dad likes you a lot, I can see that. The way he smiles every time I mention your name, the way he gets giddy over the idea of you & I.

And to be honest, I am excited if you & I were to end up together. You just seem so perfect yknow? You’re so… how do I put this… kengkoy. You’re goofy & you don’t care about what the others think of you. You like making people laugh and be happy… and to me, that is such an important thing. I’m happy that I’ve come across the path of someone like you. You are too good to be true.

Hard to Read

Jesus. You are so hard to read.

One moment, you’re replying incredibly fast, like your feelings are on some kind of drug. Asking me what I’m up to, telling me what you’re up to, and little things about yourself along the way. You find out more about me, and I the same to you. It’s sweet that you want to know and it’s a really nice feeling every time I know you are interested in me.

But I am not sure you are. For there are moments that you will reply to a noon message from me, the next day. There are moments that you will just view my message and won’t even be bothered to reply. What the heck? Well, maybe you’re just really a bad texter. There are people like that. But then seriously, I should stop making excuses on why you take so long to reply. I mean, if you’d wanna talk to me, I guess you would. Why am I demanding so much?

I guess it’s because I’m just not used to the challenge. After M, I’ve though that things would come easier. But I guess that’s where I got it all wrong. I’ve grown tired of this chase because I wasn’t used to running far distances — because before, it was just a walk in the park or some sort. Last time I ran a marathon was almost 2 years ago.

Well…

You are a challenge, and I’ll be sure to win you.

Nakakapagod din umasa ha

I saw you today at New York. Well, you saw me first and when you left, that was the only time I realized that it was actually you over the counter.

If I had paid attention better, then I would have smiled at you and waved and said hi. But I didn’t know what was going on. If only I could turn back time.

But then again, you are not giving me anything to bite on. Wala akong makagat. I don’t know if you’re shy or you’re genuinely not interested in me. There’s a thin line between those two! And if only life could come up with a clear ass answer, then things would be easier and I wouldn’t be sitting on my toilet now writing about you on my blog. Right? Right.

Nakakapagod din umasa lalo na kung hindi ka niya pinapaasa. Yung tipong, ikaw na nagpapaasa sa sarili mo. Utang na loob, di kita matigil-tigilan kaya pasensya na ha.

Pero tangina. Kahit pagod na ako, mas pinipili kong magpahinga kaysa sukuan ka. 

Pucha. 

Patience or just stop?

I don’t know if a situation like this requires patience or acceptance of the reality handed to you.

Patience might lead you to something you haven’t expected. An unexpected message. An unexpected meeting. An unexpected happening. You never know. But then the thing about patience is, it walks side by side with Hope. The more you wait, the more you hope as well. And as much as you hope something will happen, sometimes nothing will – and that’s when you get put down; not gently, but in the harshest way possible.

Quitting might be a hard thing to do at first. But once you get the hang of it, it gets really easy. It works hand in hand with Acceptance. It may be a downer once in a while, but it’s pain added up will definitely hurt less than waiting in vain. At least with this choice, life goes on — even if nothing happens between you & I. At least I can open my eyes to the things happening around me… and not be distracted by how good you look or how your eyes sparkle when you smile. OK. Gotta stop that now.

So I guess I’m gonna go with the latter. First time I ever am.

Ang Sakit Nun Ha

This is the second time you’ve left a delivered message delivered and unread. Ang sakit nun ha.

I guess, just as Sir Joem said, “Sometimes no message is also a message” (on his topic of Non-Verbal Communication).

Maybe I should stop finding stupid ways to talk to you… because I’m really looking stupid right now. I constantly find some excuse as to bring up a topic when we talk. I should stop that. Maybe you don’t like me and I just mistook the signs. I was overwhelmed, I guess. Jeez, girls and their habit of overthinking every little detail.

Maybe it’s wrong for me to say you’re cold hearted for not reading my messages. Maybe it’s true. Maybe I should stop stressing over the details that I bet you don’t even pay attention to. Maybe you don’t give a second thought about me. Maybe you don’t really care. Maybe you aren’t interested. Maybe you’re just really that kind.

I know, it’s wrong for me to assume. I just really haven’t found someone like you. Well, I think I have before… but I made that chance slip. I’m not making this one do the same.

But then again, why force it if it’s really not meant to be?