Fine Again – Seether
I’m four months into college. Honestly, this first semester has been such a roller coaster ride for me. Things were fine the first 2-3 months. My grades were okay, Ben and I were going out, my social life was at its peak. But then it all came crashing down mid October when I get caught. Honestly, it was such a great start for me. Everything was so easy. Then, when I was able to settle in, I got too comfortable and screwed up.
Talking with high school friends, things have changed so much. Everyone’s talking about sex like it’s just nothing. My lesbian friends now have boyfriends. People are breaking up and getting with others. Cheating is almost understandable (joke not really but sometimes we just understand it happens, we’re young).
My grades are flunking. Actually, just for chem. For all my other subjects, I have good grades. My mental health is at a low. My relationships are failing. Ever since I was grounded, there’s not really much to talk about with my parents. I usually tell them about my friends or just talk about Ben with them. But then now that’s gone, I don’t really know what to say. So much has changed. I love being away from the house, hanging out with my friends or just chilling at my cousin’s. I find myself being awfully quiet around them, too.
My social life has been quiet, especially since I’m grounded. I don’t really hang out with people in school except for Gavin or Chayee. I still find it kind of awkward if I hang out with anyone else one-on-one. I’m so happy I have this kind of friendship with Gavin. Things aren’t weird and we can tell each other anything under the sun without any judgement. I think that’s healthy. I think I need that with someone esp now that I’m in college. I know that we have a good friendship. Gavin is a really good guy and I know I will grow closer to him in time. This is good, though. I need a support system.
Most of the time, I feel like my company isn’t really enjoyed. People don’t really invite me to things. I feel so lonely. But that’s okay. I’m just really sensitive now, and I guess it would help if Ben was just a little bit more vocal about things. I’m worried that one day it might take a toll on me. I constantly feel like he can’t pick up on things (which is true, he’s not that observant). Sometimes I feel like I mistook the grass being greener on the other side. But I know that’s not the case.
Sometimes I miss Jm, mostly because of the familiarity. He knew right away if something was wrong. And he knew exactly how to fix it. He always had the initiative and motivation to make things okay and to make sure I never slept with a heavy heart. He knew when I was being coy, and when I also wanted my own space. He knew what it means when I suddenly space out during a call. He reminds me to eat, and all these other things. I used to talk to him about my favorite tv series and talk about the characters like they were real people and he would really listen to me and remember all the little things. He used to learn my favorite OPM songs and play them over the phone for me.
Sometimes I feel like I like Ben more than he likes me. And I know that’s supposed to be okay but I still want to be really wanted by him, esp knowing someone else wants me just as much (Jm). I feel like Ben’s so kampante. He doesn’t pay for our dates but he spends so much on his friends. I know I can’t really control where he spends his money but all the time it’s just been me paying for things. I know I’m the one who volunteers it, ofc I want to spoil him too but then now I just feel like I’m not worth it. I think there should just be a balance, I guess. Idek what I’m talking about. I can’t even justify my own feelings.
I just hope he appreciates what I do for him. Like, he doesn’t even need to do these back. All he needs to do is just let me know he appreciates me, I guess.
I stayed up for him last night and it felt so different. Jm would step aside and call me to say good night. For Ben, a text was just enough. And I know it’s bad to compare, but honestly, you just can’t help but do it. I feel like I’m being so selfish and unfair. I know I should be giving him a chance, and that’s what I’ve been doing but sometimes I feel shortchanged for the decision I made. Ben is a great guy but now I am worrying if our love language deficiency will get in between the two of us.
I just want him to be happy. I want to stop being so sensitive and emotional. I want to stop asking him of these things. I just want him to give what he can, and for that to be enough.
Tensionado by Soapdish has never been so meaningful to me until now.