Such a cliché title.
But dammnit. I remember everything so clearly. More so whenever I read my old posts.
What happened to us?
Every time I look back on our affair, as I’d like to call it, I realize how real it was to me. How the emotions were so strong. But then again, maybe it was because I was young and knew nothing yet. I was so enthralled in being a part of this thing, whatever it was. We were stupid, we threw ourselves at each other. We masked our “love” as being kindred spirits, as I quote you. We masked our intense feelings of desire as “having a strong friendship”. It made no sense. We lied to ourselves for far too long.
We tried to show it through actions, but sometimes it just doesn’t cut it. I try to remember how things felt, I then realize how fresh the cut still is and how there will always be a hole in my heart I can never seem to fill. I will always pause and smile whenever someone mentions your name, and that’s just one thing no one can ever take away.
Our love, as I’d like to believe it was, was forbidden. It wasn’t something you would proudly proclaim or shout to the world about. It wasn’t something your friends would like to know first thing in the morning. It was taboo. It was something you’re supposed to hide. It sucked that love, our strong feelings for each other, had to be kept. Had to be postponed. Had to be through actions and never words. Only because we were afraid we wouldn’t feel the same way towards each other. Because it was not normal.
Someone like you, end up with someone like me? Someone like me, end up with someone like you? It just doesn’t make the equation work. It is not something you would expect. After 2 years of subtle hints of affection, sometimes, less subtle that most, I finally found out you felt the same way, if not for the leap of hope I took my birthday when I turned 15. You didn’t actually know it was my birthday if not for my friends who asked you to write on the card, which you did and you wrote: “Happy birthday Tin. You are definitely out of this world. You already know what I want to say. Love, M”
And that started it all. I didn’t know what you already wanted to say. Perhaps it was something, maybe I had an idea about it, but I was never sure. And that day, I was with my bestfriends and they told me, “Maybe you should ask her. Tell her how you feel.” Throughout the day, I was debating with myself. I remember very clearly how the war in my head and my heart took place that day. I was torn. What if you would look at me differently after knowing what I felt?
And you did. You did look at me differently. You saw me as an individual of your level. Of someone you thought you would have the right, have the privilege of loving. And you were right. We can love who want to, we can show our affection to who want to. And even though you only told me that time, I have always felt your love and care and presence in my life through many different ways. You were eccentric, bold, one of a kind. And I was crazy enough to think you would ever fall for me. That my stupid excuses to bump into you in the hallway actually worked.
I was hurt, especially every time I look back on everything. I am still hurt, just as much as the first time it happened. I was hurt because our love, our thing, our “relationship”(?), was never even given a chance. I never had time. I only had 24 hours to feel what it felt like to be loved by you and actually knowing and acknowledging it. I never got to taste the feeling of being in a relationship with you, although it I’m not saying it would have happened. I never got to experience being yours, although I was loyal while I felt things for you.
I am sad and not really comforted with the fact that you and I didn’t happen. I read back on all the letters I’ve written you, text I’ve written about and for you. I was crazy for you. And maybe this type of love only comes once in a while. How everything was just so goddamn one sided but actually two sided all this time. I wish I could have known earlier. But things happen for a reason. Our paths were not meant to collide.
Perhaps, in another universe, our love was made to be.