things have been so different

Fine Again – Seether

I’m four months into college. Honestly, this first semester has been such a roller coaster ride for me. Things were fine the first 2-3 months. My grades were okay, Ben and I were going out, my social life was at its peak. But then it all came crashing down mid October when I get caught. Honestly, it was such a great start for me. Everything was so easy. Then, when I was able to settle in, I got too comfortable and screwed up.

Talking with high school friends, things have changed so much. Everyone’s talking about sex like it’s just nothing. My lesbian friends now have boyfriends. People are breaking up and getting with others. Cheating is almost understandable (joke not really but sometimes we just understand it happens, we’re young).

My grades are flunking. Actually, just for chem. For all my other subjects, I have good grades. My mental health is at a low. My relationships are failing. Ever since I was grounded, there’s not really much to talk about with my parents. I usually tell them about my friends or just talk about Ben with them. But then now that’s gone, I don’t really know what to say. So much has changed. I love being away from the house, hanging out with my friends or just chilling at my cousin’s. I find myself being awfully quiet around them, too.

My social life has been quiet, especially since I’m grounded. I don’t really hang out with people in school except for Gavin or Chayee. I still find it kind of awkward if I hang out with anyone else one-on-one. I’m so happy I have this kind of friendship with Gavin. Things aren’t weird and we can tell each other anything under the sun without any judgement. I think that’s healthy. I think I need that with someone esp now that I’m in college. I know that we have a good friendship. Gavin is a really good guy and I know I will grow closer to him in time. This is good, though. I need a support system.

Most of the time, I feel like my company isn’t really enjoyed. People don’t really invite me to things. I feel so lonely. But that’s okay. I’m just really sensitive now, and I guess it would help if Ben was just a little bit more vocal about things. I’m worried that one day it might take a toll on me. I constantly feel like he can’t pick up on things (which is true, he’s not that observant). Sometimes I feel like I mistook the grass being greener on the other side. But I know that’s not the case.

Sometimes I miss Jm, mostly because of the familiarity. He knew right away if something was wrong. And he knew exactly how to fix it. He always had the initiative and motivation to make things okay and to make sure I never slept with a heavy heart. He knew when I was being coy, and when I also wanted my own space. He knew what it means when I suddenly space out during a call. He reminds me to eat, and all these other things. I used to talk to him about my favorite tv series and talk about the characters like they were real people and he would really listen to me and remember all the little things. He used to learn my favorite OPM songs and play them over the phone for me.

Sometimes I feel like I like Ben more than he likes me. And I know that’s supposed to be okay but I still want to be really wanted by him, esp knowing someone else wants me just as much (Jm). I feel like Ben’s so kampante. He doesn’t pay for our dates but he spends so much on his friends. I know I can’t really control where he spends his money but all the time it’s just been me paying for things. I know I’m the one who volunteers it, ofc I want to spoil him too but then now I just feel like I’m not worth it. I think there should just be a balance, I guess. Idek what I’m talking about. I can’t even justify my own feelings.

I just hope he appreciates what I do for him. Like, he doesn’t even need to do these back. All he needs to do is just let me know he appreciates me, I guess.

I stayed up for him last night and it felt so different. Jm would step aside and call me to say good night. For Ben, a text was just enough. And I know it’s bad to compare, but honestly, you just can’t help but do it. I feel like I’m being so selfish and unfair. I know I should be giving him a chance, and that’s what I’ve been doing but sometimes I feel shortchanged for the decision I made. Ben is a great guy but now I am worrying if our love language deficiency will get in between the two of us.

I just want him to be happy. I want to stop being so sensitive and emotional. I want to stop asking him of these things. I just want him to give what he can, and for that to be enough.

Tensionado by Soapdish has never been so meaningful to me until now.

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You Are Good To Me

We don’t have to talk every second of the day. You respect my decisions as a person. We don’t have to see each other every week. We don’t have to constantly be on the phone. This helps me have time for myself, for the things I want to do, and for the people around me.

You are taking things slow. Considering my previous relationship, the pace you are taking is of great help to me. It tells me so much about how you are as a person, as a partner, and as a friend.

You are dynamic. Every day with you is a different day. Fun, sleepy, tired, hyper, senti, all kinds. I could go on. The list never ands. That’s a good thing, because it puts me in the competition to be as dynamic as you.

You are a good example. You are ambitious, confident, hard working, talented, passionate, thoughtful, and know your priorities so damn well.

You teach me new things. It’s because you know a lot, you’ve experienced a lot. Talking with you and being with you helps me learn new things — about friends, family, school and life in general.

You are funny. You know how to turn my bad day into a better one just by your hilarious jokes. You know what makes me laugh hysterically.

You are like me. The same outlook on life, though not exactly. The same kinds of friends, though not exactly. I think having similarities makes it easier to be with each other and get along, but having differences also makes you curious about each other and keep the guessing game going.

You are a charitable person. You always give. You have love for the poor. You are a teacher, a friend, a guide to most. You are a walking advocacy. Updated with current events, always present in outreach activities. You are generous.

You give me time for myself. You are conscious that I spend a lot of time on myself, doing the things I want to and need to do. You give me space to live my life, while knowing at the back of your head that I’d still want to tell you about my day when the sun goes down.

You are good to me. Good in a sense that you will have an impact on the way I choose to do things, on the way I make my decisions, on the way I live out my life. I choose to be active, to take part, to belong to something bigger than what I already am. I choose to be happy, to make smart decisions, to have fun.

You are an inspiration. Not just to me, but to many others. Having a good heart and a good head above your shoulders can only indicate how genuinely good of a person you are. You are gold, you are one of a kind, you are outstanding.

You are a keeper.

 

You are a good guy to me.