I’m the one who wants to be with you, deep inside I hope you feel it too. Waiting on a line of greens and blues, just to be the next to be with you. — To Be With You, Mr. Big
I’m giving it a shot at writing again after a while. It’s so hard to put to words what you feel when you’re so content and at peace with everything. I guess I only tend to write when the weather gets bad, when I’m having a rough day, when the feelings overflow…. or when a Taylor Swift song comes up on my playlist (the old songs, not her new ones). I always like talking about my writing position and situation. Right now, I’m seated at my designated chair in the classroom. It is a Friday, 8:33AM and I am on my laptop. Class starts in 27 minutes, and the first period we have is English with Ms. Alata. I’m just writing everything that comes in my mind.
I am playing early 2000’s songs (Fast Car by Tracy Chapman, to be specific). I also have some songs of McFly saved on Spotify, along with other tunes that make me feel something.
I am very much happy with the flow of life right now. Steady friendship with Car and Patty, good company (Nadz, Nina, Cher, etc), high grades, more opportunities, travels, experiences. Last night though, I found out a lot of things regarding Nic (from Roms). I feel so bad at how someone could fake who they are for 1 year straight. I feel so bad that I was so honest to him, so genuine, and I fell so hopelessly and openly in love with someone I thought he was. I have never felt so upset, disappointed in and betrayed by someone. It hurts me, honestly. I know it’s been so long since the break up, but how can you not feel the hurt and harness hatred in your soul after knowing the person you were with for a good one year was non-existent?
He was a bad friend to others — always causing trouble, looking for fights, heating up issues and leaving them unresolved. I never knew why I didn’t see that in the first place. Wasn’t there anything that gave it away? All I could remember was the bad times when he would stop messaging me at a night out with friends (which I tried to understand, but he could have at least told me he wasn’t going to reply in the next few hours) and it would keep me up at 3 am, waiitng for him to come home as well. It’s so stupid, really. How I waited for so many nights for him to come home safely, tiring my worrysome mind. I guess all the worry wasn’t really worth it. I should have broken up with him from the very beginning. From the first few times he screwed up. Because of my ignorance, I allowed our relationship to continue on…. resulting to more of my life being wasted on him. Never to be returned.
I don’t ever want to talk to him or associate him to any part of my life. I regret letting him meet my parents. He never deserved to do so in the first place. I am greatly displeased with my desicion. But all I can tell myself is at least I learned.
Let this be a reminder that I can never really know anyone. Let this be a reminder that sometimes, the person who you think you know best, is the person you know nothing about.