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I’m the one who wants to be with you, deep inside I hope you feel it too. Waiting on a line of greens and blues, just to be the next to be with you. To Be With You, Mr. Big

I’m giving it a shot at writing again after a while. It’s so hard to put to words what you feel when you’re so content and at peace with everything. I guess I only tend to write when the weather gets bad, when I’m having a rough day, when the feelings overflow…. or when a Taylor Swift song comes up on my playlist (the old songs, not her new ones). I always like talking about my writing position and situation. Right now, I’m seated at my designated chair in the classroom. It is a Friday, 8:33AM and I am on my laptop. Class starts in 27 minutes, and the first period we have is English with Ms. Alata. I’m just writing everything that comes in my mind.

I am playing early 2000’s songs (Fast Car by Tracy Chapman, to be specific). I also have some songs of McFly saved on Spotify, along with other tunes that make me feel something.

I am very much happy with the flow of life right now. Steady friendship with Car and Patty, good company (Nadz, Nina, Cher, etc), high grades, more opportunities, travels, experiences. Last night though, I found out a lot of things regarding Nic (from Roms). I feel so bad at how someone could fake who they are for 1 year straight. I feel so bad that I was so honest to him, so genuine, and I fell so hopelessly and openly in love with someone I thought he was. I have never felt so upset, disappointed in and betrayed by someone. It hurts me, honestly. I know it’s been so long since the break up, but how can you not feel the hurt and harness hatred in your soul after knowing the person you were with for a good one year was non-existent?

He was a bad friend to others — always causing trouble, looking for fights, heating up issues and leaving them unresolved. I never knew why I didn’t see that in the first place. Wasn’t there anything that gave it away? All I could remember was the bad times when he would stop messaging me at a night out with friends (which I tried to understand, but he could have at least told me he wasn’t going to reply in the next few hours) and it would keep me up at 3 am, waiitng for him to come home as well. It’s so stupid, really. How I waited for so many nights for him to come home safely, tiring my worrysome mind. I guess all the worry wasn’t really worth it. I should have broken up with him from the very beginning. From the first few times he screwed up. Because of my ignorance, I allowed our relationship to continue on…. resulting to more of my life being wasted on him. Never to be returned.

I don’t ever want to talk to him or associate him to any part of my life. I regret letting him meet my parents. He never deserved to do so in the first place. I am greatly displeased with my desicion. But all I can tell myself is at least I learned.

Let this be a reminder that I can never really know anyone. Let this be a reminder that sometimes, the person who you think you know best, is the person you know nothing about.

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To the man I hate the most,

After our relationship ended April this year, I was able to see you through a different lens,  different perspective. I was able to see the you that every body else knows.

And sadly, the real you disappointed me.

Your true colors came out. I never knew my entire life that someone could lie this much. It makes me think that the person I fell in love with in the beginning never existed at all.

You have lied to me countless times and I wonder how come in the start I always believed you and never doubted you. You don’t know the terror, anger, rage and fear I feel whenever your name is brought up, your presence is felt and your words are heard. You don’t know how much the blood swells up in my chest whenever I think of all the shit you’ve done to me – and how I tried to never provoke you and do all things under the rug… without ever trying to solicit a response from you. Negative or positive.

I hate you – and with all my heart – I want you to know that. I hate you, and I want you to feel that I do. I hate you and there is nothing that can change that. I hate you, I hate you and I hate you.

I never knew I could hate someone this much. But then again, I never knew you could be the person you are today. You are a lying, selfish, pretentious, possessive, and just down right crazy person.

Tonight I am reading the bible, asking for guidance – seeking him to bring me away from a person like you. Tonight I am asking God to bring all things related to you AWAY from me. Gone, completely. As if nothing ever happened in the first place.

 

Who knew? We all thought you were this prince charming, romantic kind of guy. We were blinded by your charm and bullshit flowery words. Little did we know that when things got a lot worse, it would lead you to be something like this.

So fuck you. I hate you.

God bless.

Photograph

Loving can hurt
Loving can hurt sometimes

Sitting on my bed, listening to Photograph by Ed Sheeran, I feel my chest weigh down with the thought of you. It took a while for me to realize I’ve lost you, that you’re gone and not coming back. I don’t know why it took me so long. But my closest guess was because it was a reality I was never built to accept.

But it’s the only thing that I know

And I’m sorry. I just want you to know that. I know I have hurt you a long process. I’m sorry for hurting you while I was hurting. I know it’s no excuse, but I just wanted to tell you that you weren’t the only one in pain. You may not believe me because I am not that showy as you… but it’s the truth.

We keep this love in a photograph
We made these memories for ourselves

I miss you.

I miss the way I don’t need to say anything and you get what I’m thinking, almost in an instant. I love the way everything just falls into place every time I’m lost in you. I miss the way I fall for you every single day. I miss the reasons why. I miss your voice on the phone with the fuzzy sounds all over. I miss the way you smile. I miss the way you understand how my mind works, and I to yours. I miss the way you knew the best words to say. I miss the way you made me feel.

So you can keep me
Inside the pocket
Of your ripped jeans
Holdin’ me closer
‘Til our eyes meet
You won’t ever be alone

I’d like to think it was all just a matter of timing. That maybe in the future, the Lord has something in plan for us. I know I can’t keep looking out for that thread of hope, but honestly, it’s all I’ve got. I’m still madly in love with you and no matter how busy I get or who I surround myself with, I can never really erase the fact that I am and always will be. I’d like to think that this is the universe’s way of telling me you are my soulmate… but not for this moment in time. I think that in this lifetime, we were made to meet and drift and soon, meet again.

Father Time, please tell me what plans you have in mind. Father Time, please take all my bad thoughts away. Please give me answers, assurance, something to hold on to.

When I’m away
I will remember how you kissed me
Under the lamppost
Back on 6th street
Hearing you whisper through the phone,

I’m sorry Nic. I still love you, with all my heart. And I know nothing will change that even if I wanted it to.

Wait for me to come home.

Sometimes

Sometimes I’d like to think none of this really happened. That it’s all just a dream and soon, I’d wake up from this mess. Sometimes I wish I could just disappear from everything that’s happening in this world. That with just one prayer and one wish to the Lord, everything will be solved.

But sometimes, I can’t keep wishing that this is all in my imagination. Sometimes, you have to accept things are real and you can’t run away from all of it anymore. Sometimes, life makes a big dump on you and you’re just like… What did I do to deserve this? 

So you take a deep breath and pray real hard and keep in mind that the Lord has greater plans for you. That this all happened for a reason and that He has something in store.
Keep strong, have faith, believe.

First Post

April 27 2015 / 1:12 pm

Did you know that you never hurt me? You never did. Not once. You were so careful with your words, you treated me like the most precious thing in the world. Did you know that you appreciated me to the fullest? Your words & assurance were more than enough to make me stay an entire lifetime. Did you know that your voice is my comfort? Your arms are my shelter? Your presence is my home? I wish I could tell you all these things but I guess, you will never know. And that isn’t your fault, but mine. I should have been honest since the start.

You are the guy that I will never get over. You made me the happiest. You taught me the most. You cared for me and protected me the most. You never did anything wrong. You never cheated on me, disappointed me, hurt me. I don’t know how I’ll be happy without you in my life. I know I won’t.

God has sent you in my life to help me, to rekindle the relationship I once had with my dad. Thank you for being my guardian angel, my protector, and my lifeguard. You have been there since the start and I’m so thankful for your patience and understanding. We talk everyday, you know everything about me. I know everything about you. Everything I see in this world reminds me of you. You make it a better place. And I wish I could just turn back time to make things right in the first place. I wish I could have found a way that would be easier for the both of us. I’m sorry things didn’t work out, and it was all my fault.

You make me the happiest. I really do love you. It’s not a joke. It’s not something I say just to make you feel good. I’m sure of it, 100%. It’s 12:04pm and I’ve been crying since 8 am. I miss you terribly   already. This is not a good feeling – being away from you. I’m sorry I couldn’t do anything about it. That I couldn’t fight for you. That I couldn’t lie some more. You knew what the right thing to do was. You knew it and we picked it. Even if that meant we weren’t to see each other again.

What matters is, we did what’s right. And to me, that’s a big deal. I was supposed to marry you. Spend my entire life with you. Have kids with you. Baby, you’ll always be my first true love. Thank you for showing me what it’s like to be selfless, caring, loving, and everything anyone could ever ask for. Thank you for showing me what it’s like to show yourself bare to someone, and give them all the universes ever existing.

One day, when I find myself with someone new, I’ll repeat these words. “I could’ve been happier.”

Nothing Great

Hi. It’s 1:10 am and I just want to say something to you.

I’m not really anything great. I’m just this 15 year old girl who has hair past around 3 inches off her shoulders. I get mad at insulting jokes easily, which is a trait I’m not really proud of. I like art and writing, but get frustrated the moment I mess up. I am messy and have done a lot of mistakes I don’t ever want to recall again. But then, these mistakes are what made me who I am. I’m weird and have a unique sense of humor…which is quite weird as well. I’m not really anything great, just different, but not great.

Although everything about me may seem pale and lifeless, there is one thing about me that I know will strike all these down the list. I’m not really anything great. I’m just this 15 year old girl who has hair past around 3 inches off her shoulders… who loves you deeply, truly, and madly. Who can’t wait to wake up next to you in the morning with her arms wrapped around you. Who can’t wait to cook you dinner. Who can’t wait to continue writing about you. Who can’t wait to kiss you every second of the day. Who can’t wait to love you, to miss you, to take care of you. I’m just this 15 year old girl who has hair past around 3 inches off her shoulders who can’t wait to be yours.

You in months

January
You are a fresh new start. You are the fleeting fireworks,
but unlike them, you do not just shine in New Years Eve,
but in all days of my life.

February
You are a sweet box of chocolates.
No, you are a bouquet of fresh beautiful flowers.
No, I am wrong.
My love for you is not limited to a Valentine’s day alone.

March
You are my ending – my graduation.
My few last days.

April
You are my summer.
My favorite escape. I would trade a thousand,
if not more, sunsets just to see your smile.

May
You are my reflection in the pond.
We stay out late watching the stars,
but I end up looking at your eyes.

June
Wherever you are,
the grass is always greener.

July
Your touch is like an electric shock,
your presence like a hurling tornado.

August
The storms cannot pull you further away from me.
Let the floods bring us closer,
let your smile outweigh the gray sky.

September
With you, September is better.

October
Halloween is coming up,
but nothing is scarier than losing you.

November
No 1st of November will ever take you away from me.

December
You are the greatest gift I have ever received.

CS

something else

I love the way you
Stare into my eyes
and after, smile and
call me beautiful

And in that moment
you make me feel
the most beautiful;
the most precious,
the most important

You make me feel like
my eyes are made of diamonds
and my body of precious stars in the sky

I love the way
you hold me
and put your arms on my waist
it makes me feel so safe
and secure
and for a while,
my heart beats faster than it should

I love the way
you read my mind
You say the words
that my heart whispers
and know me
to the fullest

The assurance that you are staying
is never quite enough
These are the little things
that get me through the rough & tough

A Little Consolation

  1. No compromising.
    Understand why he wants something, and both of you should not settle for less by giving up both of your options. After, negotiate so that you can make a choice that both of you agree upon.
  2. No competitiveness.
    When someone’s right, it means someone’s wrong. You should not take into account all his wrongdoings. Don’t “take turns”.
  3. No complaining.
    Do not focus on the things that don’t work, but rather, focus on those that do. Complaining does not bring you anywhere; it just ends your relationship.

Untitled

  1. SC
    I feel so under appreciated and acknowledged. I know it isn’t nice to always want to chase the credit, but then again, since when did I ever ask for credit but now? This is something I’ve been so proud of myself for. A little appreciation or acknowledgement would be nice to have.

    I feel so bad because I always try my best to make the SC look good through my projects and ideas yet I don’t get appreciated enough, well, I don’t even get appreciated at all.

  2. Dad
    You know talking to Nic is something I always look forward to. To the point that I finish all my school work early, shower and pack ahead, and so much more. That’s really the only thing I want to do before I end the day. I do know that I’m your only girl, and that you miss me, but sometimes I also hope you would give me some time that I can talk to him and enjoy the company of myself.
  3. Joni
    Thanks for telling us a lot earlier.