i hate having to spare fridays with friends because i have to go home to my dads because weekends are for mom. i hate that i have to live in another house 5 days a week. i hate that i have to juggle three houses. i bet it isnt normal for other people to keep packing their bags each day and planning what outfits to use during the week. i hate not being able to have time for myself at home because i have to spend time with parents because im leaving again.
i hate that i cant have saturday nights out because ill feel bad for not spending time with mom. i have friends who go out every saturday night or every friday night and its perfectly fine. i feel thats been taken away from me and it isnt even my fault. i hate that i was born into this dynamic. i hate that i dont even have a social life and now everything just revolves around family.
i guess this is why having a car is such a big deal to me. i get to have my own freedom and my own time and feel like i have some sort of control in my life and be able to decide where to go versus the usual where people tell me where to go.
I love this artist. Dim Lights is my absolute favorite.
The new year has been great so far. Except for the fact that dad didn’t allow me to go to EvSem… and that he extended my groundedness to the end of January. Before that though, he said that it’s until further notice. Good thing mom spoke to him though.
Honestly, I don’t really understand what else he wants me to learn. Does he think that putting me on a leash will make me learn more things? Or is this just consequence for what I did? What else is there for me to learn? I’m only actually affected by it because I’m at home and not at school. When I’m back to school, things will go back to normal and I will forget I was ever grounded.
I want to be able to drive by myself already though. It would be nice to have my own time and do my own things, without having to consider someone else. But then Maxi’s schedule is pretty cool. She ends late on Tuesdays and Thursdays, which means I could just hang out with friends after class.
I drove the whole day today and it felt nice. I’m trying to have a more positive outlook on life and just make the most of what I can do. I hope I won’t miss so much by missing evsem. I really wanted to go but talking to Ysa made me feel so much better about not being able to go and still making friends. I’m happy I still have a lot more to look forward to in the remaining semester. I will try my best to keep my grades up high so I can become a deans-lister this coming sem.
I want to leave home. I want to have my own life. I guess I’ll understand things when I’m a bit older. Is this unreasonable? Or does it all make sense in the end? I just hope things go back to the way they were before. I might want to get myself checked. I end up crying and breaking down during random times of the day.
I am crying again. I am so tired of this.
You shouldn’t have to ask for time. You shouldn’t have to ask for attention. You shouldn’t have to ask for love and affection. You shouldn’t ask to be placed on top of a list.
These things should be handed to you, out of someone’s own free will, if they want to. These things are what you deserve, not something you should ask for. You deserve time and laughter and smiles and tears out of joy and never sadness. You deserve flowers once a week, or long drives to home on a busy Friday evening. You deserve breakfast dates or a small note of assurance or company at 2 am when you’re studying late for an exam.
You deserve honesty and disclosure. You deserve someone who will check up on you from time to time. You deserve someone who wants to know if you got home safely. You deserve someone who will ask you to send your uber info just to know what cab you’re on. You deserve someone who will call just to hear your voice, even just for a while. You deserve surprises or simple things like a song dedicated to you or a message greeting good morning to start your day off. You deserve to be someone’s person, someone’s favorite. It’s sad how simple things like these slip away from our hands, when these are the mere things that make us human, that make us feel.
I don’t want to be apologetic for the things I am not, for the things I don’t have, for the things I cannot give. I don’t want to be apologetic for these things simply because you knew what I was and what I am able to give long before you entered this thing. You knew the terms and agreements and signed the contract once you sealed the deal by telling me, “I like you”.
Why is it that when I cannot give you the time you ask for, I apologize? When in reality, this time you ask for, is being spent on my family, academics, and most importantly, time for myself. I do want to spend time with you, but I want to spend more time on myself. Fixing me, reflecting on me, listening to me. There are a lot of things going on and so many aspects to pay attention to that it’s really difficult to maintain a romantic relationship (because you have to keep seeing each other at a constant rate).
Time is always the problem in relationships. Time to see each other, time to call, time to talk… etc. Honestly, it’s so difficult. This is why I enjoy being single in the first place. No person to attend to. (Not that I feel obliged towards you. Trust me, I really do want to see you.) But I want to see myself too. I have other priorities too. I have so little time, but so many responsibilities.