I don’t want to apologize for the things I cannot give

I don’t want to be apologetic for the things I am not, for the things I don’t have, for the things I cannot give. I don’t want to be apologetic for these things simply because you knew what I was and what I am able to give long before you entered this thing. You knew the terms and agreements and signed the contract once you sealed the deal by telling me, “I like you”.

Why is it that when I cannot give you the time you ask for, I apologize? When in reality, this time you ask for, is being spent on my family, academics, and most importantly, time for myself. I do want to spend time with you, but I want to spend more time on myself. Fixing me, reflecting on me, listening to me. There are a lot of things going on and so many aspects to pay attention to that it’s really difficult to maintain a romantic relationship (because you have to keep seeing each other at a constant rate).

Time is always the problem in relationships. Time to see each other, time to call, time to talk… etc. Honestly, it’s so difficult. This is why I enjoy being single in the first place. No person to attend to. (Not that I feel obliged towards you. Trust me, I really do want to see you.) But I want to see myself too. I have other priorities too. I have so little time, but so many responsibilities.

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Coffee Shop

October 18, 2015
2:47 pm

Here I am, listening to All Star by Smash Mouth on my laptop with earphones on. You were in the next table wearing white long sleeves and tight & light ripped jeans. Seriously, ripped jeans? I could forgive you for picking a bleached one, but ripped, seriously? Undercut, Ray Ban eyeglasses. Ultimate fuckboy.

You had this thick stack of paper right in front of you, and you started mouthing words. I thought to myself, maybe  you were studying. Or crazy. You were reciting certain words while pressing on different parts of your arm. I suppose you’re a med student, well, also referring to the stack of paper which had a diagram of a human arm anyway.

You haven’t touched your coffee yet. It’s been 5 minutes. Wait, okay you just picked it up. Am I weird for observing you? Well I guess not since I’m just literally a meter away from you. And you’re facing me anyway, since your table is diagonal to mine and you’re sitting on the opposite side as I am.

The track changed and now I’m listening to I’m a Believer by Smash Mouth still. Still can’t get over your ripped jeans. Seriously? If this were a movie, I would walk up to you and ask you if the seat in front of you was taken. If this were a book, I would notice you looking at me constantly and maybe you’d decide to say hi or something.

Hahaha. I’m almost gonna laugh out loud. You seem really serious about your studying. You chose to sit in a public coffee shop, and now you’re pointing to the veins on your arms while reciting the names and the purpose of each. Someone looks at you and you look back at him, feeling a little conscious about what you’re doing.

If this were a 7 year old girl’s imagination, I’d look at you constantly ’til you get bothered and end up saying a snappy conversation starter. If this were a dream, I would ask for your name and number. But this isn’t any of those things, this is life; where people are afraid to make the first move, to be judged, to be turned down, to take the risk, to lose, and so miss all the opportunities to get to know someone.

Tweet series ver.1

  • Sometimes I wish I could afford to fail class
  • I wish I could afford to go to parties every weekend and get drunk and go home to parents that don’t care what time I arrive
  • I wish I had so much money to spend on shit that doesn’t matter and I wouldn’t ever run out of it
  • I wish I could go anywhere the world and take photos all I want
  • I wish I wasn’t here stuck at home with a dad who says he misses me but doesn’t show it and a math notebook laying in front of me
  • I wish we didn’t have shakes and that I could just be content being a props person or something
  • I wish I didn’t run and win for a batch that doesn’t appreciate and listen to me.
  • I wish I could be relaxed, laid back, fucking yolo and not give a shit about the world.
  • I wish no one cared about what I prioritize and invest my time on.
  • I wish I could go out with my friends more often. Or have an older sibling. Or have a less complicated life.
  • I wish Kateh wouldn’t be so stingy at times. I wish I could stop thinking about the Austrailia thing.
  • I wish Sam Smith could write a song for me. His lyrics are cool. And emo.
  • I wish my dad would write me a letter.
  • I wish this Nov 24 wouldn’t be so soon.
  • Too bad these are just wishes, huh?