:^)

It has been four months since we broke up. Up til this day, I still hear things about me that you tell others. It really pained me when you told people you found me dumb because I was placed in Math 1. I would be so shy and embarrassed to ask for help from you when I had homework because I felt so stupid, I felt like you were going to look down on me — and that is exactly what happened. You told me to trust you and to know you would never judge me. But in believing that is where I went wrong.

I have no idea what to say. You’re like this completely different person and I guess that’s a good thing because now I never really think of us working out in the long run.

Your personality is disgusting. You are selfish and so judgmental. You think you are on top of everybody else when deep inside you are just an insecure, conscious low life.

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i hate my situation

i hate having to spare fridays with friends because i have to go home to my dads because weekends are for mom. i hate that i have to live in another house 5 days a week. i hate that i have to juggle three houses. i bet it isnt normal for other people to keep packing their bags each day and planning what outfits to use during the week. i hate not being able to have time for myself at home because i have to spend time with parents because im leaving again.

i hate that i cant have saturday nights out because ill feel bad for not spending time with mom. i have friends who go out every saturday night or every friday night and its perfectly fine. i feel thats been taken away from me and it isnt even my fault. i hate that i was born into this dynamic. i hate that i dont even have a social life and now everything just revolves around family.

i guess this is why having a car is such a big deal to me. i get to have my own freedom and my own time and feel like i have some sort of control in my life and be able to decide where to go versus the usual where people tell me where to go.

vietra

I love this artist. Dim Lights is my absolute favorite. 

The new year has been great so far. Except for the fact that dad didn’t allow me to go to EvSem… and that he extended my groundedness to the end of January. Before that though, he said that it’s until further notice. Good thing mom spoke to him though.

Honestly, I don’t really understand what else he wants me to learn. Does he think that putting me on a leash will make me learn more things? Or is this just consequence for what I did? What else is there for me to learn? I’m only actually affected by it because I’m at home and not at school. When I’m back to school, things will go back to normal and I will forget I was ever grounded.

I want to be able to drive by myself already though. It would be nice to have my own time and do my own things, without having to consider someone else. But then Maxi’s schedule is pretty cool. She ends late on Tuesdays and Thursdays, which means I could just hang out with friends after class.

I drove the whole day today and it felt nice. I’m trying to have a more positive outlook on life and just make the most of what I can do. I hope I won’t miss so much by missing evsem. I really wanted to go but talking to Ysa made me feel so much better about not being able to go and still making friends. I’m happy I still have a lot more to look forward to in the remaining semester. I will try my best to keep my grades up high so I can become a deans-lister this coming sem.

I want to leave home. I want to have my own life. I guess I’ll understand things when I’m a bit older. Is this unreasonable? Or does it all make sense in the end? I just hope things go back to the way they were before. I might want to get myself checked. I end up crying and breaking down during random times of the day.

I am crying again. I am so tired of this.

things have been so different

Fine Again – Seether

I’m four months into college. Honestly, this first semester has been such a roller coaster ride for me. Things were fine the first 2-3 months. My grades were okay, Ben and I were going out, my social life was at its peak. But then it all came crashing down mid October when I get caught. Honestly, it was such a great start for me. Everything was so easy. Then, when I was able to settle in, I got too comfortable and screwed up.

Talking with high school friends, things have changed so much. Everyone’s talking about sex like it’s just nothing. My lesbian friends now have boyfriends. People are breaking up and getting with others. Cheating is almost understandable (joke not really but sometimes we just understand it happens, we’re young).

My grades are flunking. Actually, just for chem. For all my other subjects, I have good grades. My mental health is at a low. My relationships are failing. Ever since I was grounded, there’s not really much to talk about with my parents. I usually tell them about my friends or just talk about Ben with them. But then now that’s gone, I don’t really know what to say. So much has changed. I love being away from the house, hanging out with my friends or just chilling at my cousin’s. I find myself being awfully quiet around them, too.

My social life has been quiet, especially since I’m grounded. I don’t really hang out with people in school except for Gavin or Chayee. I still find it kind of awkward if I hang out with anyone else one-on-one. I’m so happy I have this kind of friendship with Gavin. Things aren’t weird and we can tell each other anything under the sun without any judgement. I think that’s healthy. I think I need that with someone esp now that I’m in college. I know that we have a good friendship. Gavin is a really good guy and I know I will grow closer to him in time. This is good, though. I need a support system.

Most of the time, I feel like my company isn’t really enjoyed. People don’t really invite me to things. I feel so lonely. But that’s okay. I’m just really sensitive now, and I guess it would help if Ben was just a little bit more vocal about things. I’m worried that one day it might take a toll on me. I constantly feel like he can’t pick up on things (which is true, he’s not that observant). Sometimes I feel like I mistook the grass being greener on the other side. But I know that’s not the case.

Sometimes I miss Jm, mostly because of the familiarity. He knew right away if something was wrong. And he knew exactly how to fix it. He always had the initiative and motivation to make things okay and to make sure I never slept with a heavy heart. He knew when I was being coy, and when I also wanted my own space. He knew what it means when I suddenly space out during a call. He reminds me to eat, and all these other things. I used to talk to him about my favorite tv series and talk about the characters like they were real people and he would really listen to me and remember all the little things. He used to learn my favorite OPM songs and play them over the phone for me.

Sometimes I feel like I like Ben more than he likes me. And I know that’s supposed to be okay but I still want to be really wanted by him, esp knowing someone else wants me just as much (Jm). I feel like Ben’s so kampante. He doesn’t pay for our dates but he spends so much on his friends. I know I can’t really control where he spends his money but all the time it’s just been me paying for things. I know I’m the one who volunteers it, ofc I want to spoil him too but then now I just feel like I’m not worth it. I think there should just be a balance, I guess. Idek what I’m talking about. I can’t even justify my own feelings.

I just hope he appreciates what I do for him. Like, he doesn’t even need to do these back. All he needs to do is just let me know he appreciates me, I guess.

I stayed up for him last night and it felt so different. Jm would step aside and call me to say good night. For Ben, a text was just enough. And I know it’s bad to compare, but honestly, you just can’t help but do it. I feel like I’m being so selfish and unfair. I know I should be giving him a chance, and that’s what I’ve been doing but sometimes I feel shortchanged for the decision I made. Ben is a great guy but now I am worrying if our love language deficiency will get in between the two of us.

I just want him to be happy. I want to stop being so sensitive and emotional. I want to stop asking him of these things. I just want him to give what he can, and for that to be enough.

Tensionado by Soapdish has never been so meaningful to me until now.

Unusual

Weird. I go into the office and there’s someone else in your room. There’s someone else doing your work. There’s someone else signing the circular. There’s someone else doing everything you used to do. But is there someone else who will love me the way you did?

I could not bear the thought that you really are gone. I remember the line I said before you left, “I’m so scared that when you’re in the middle of searching for yourself, I’m gonna end up searching for you too.”

I couldn’t help but break down that exact moment I was leaning on the front desk, staring at the door. You’re gone. It’s official.